april 15, 2001
(i cannot worship anything that kills)passover
man, i was on rip in yesterday’s daily!!
where did that come from?
i read it and went “who wrote that??”
i dont be playing.
i just impressed me.
“see what’s in that boy’s head? ”
at an early age i got use to being called crazy,
i didnt mind that.
very very rarely in my life have i been called dumb,
that i didnt like.
ive always been acknowledge as smart.
smart but crazy-
i would skew my thinking just enough to mess with
the individual i was talking to. not too much, just enough to see
the tiniest reaction. alter the story or conversation just
enough to produce sensations. to see the look in people’s
eyes when they didnt know what to believe…
mr wiggles, parliament
i enjoy working and have a new vitality for my new job. i have volunteered
to do things at my new job that i would have refused to do at my old job
even is asked. i have a new and refreshed spirit for working, but…
i miss very very much the extra hours i had for myself. 40 hrs a week
of work total, with a 1 hour commute on either end of an 8 hour day.
up at 5am, home by 4:30pm and by 10pm i can’t keep my eyes open.
what i miss is time to be creative and the completely free time i had.
time that had no worry or stress or any obligation or responsibility
near it. i also do not like being tired, drained or run down from working
and not having that energy for jeffery or creative time.
one of my major loves was in town this week and i was too tired
to leave my apartment. i came home friday and took a nap expecting
to see her later that night but didnt, her plans got crossed up. but i
wasnt mad at nobody, i gladly stayed home and rested. its sunday
morning now and i feel much better, my energy is returning. i did not
leave my apt and i slept mostly all day yesterday, saturday. and i was
still too tired to stay up and watch saturday night live.
in my 4 months of not working, i managed 90% of that time to take in
maximum information and maximum energy. i was receiving physical &
spirit energy from the things that i did. having worked 8 days now, i
can feel a “tiredness” in my body. there are personal things that i want
to do that i do not have the energy for. i want to write, read, create,
research but i do not have the energy for it. also my mindset has changed
to one that is more sturctured, disciplined and “responsible.” i now
have responsibilities and things to “worry” about.
i know its a trade off. i know over time i will achieve a balance that
will satisfy my needs. but not having that high spirit energy feels
wrong. i know a person cannot be a complete human being if he
does not have time for hisself and to do things the things that he loves.
overtime he may learn to forgo the things he loves for the sake of
other responsibilities and even become use to this.
i spent 4 unemployed months completely surrounded by things that i
love and have deep passion for. beautiful, intelligent, stimulating things.
i grew accustomed to this lifestyle and how it made me feel. i became
use having high spirit and physical energy and having a clear undisturbed
mindset. i remember it feeling so good that it couldnt be wrong.
the feeling i have now may just be an adjustment period. i like the
new job im doing and the people very much. but i miss very much the
extra energy i had for creativity. i get jeffery time in the 2 hour commute
through a goregous moutain range. its the surplus energy i had for
my personal research and play that i miss. i miss it so much that i
have been rethinking the traditional american 40hr work week
cause this just dont feel right. i dont see how a human being can achieve
the levels of happiness that i have experienced working so many hours.
and im a single person who’s kids live 2000 miles away. i can’t figure
out how to be a complete human being working and with family, kids.
i know everything is realtive and one person’s happiness is another
man’s prison. but there is a point where work, family, kids and any
other repsonsibilites when charted vs time mathematically make it
impossible to be a happy properly functioning human being.
im thinking reduce the work week to 30 hours a week,
maybe 6 hours a day and 4 shifts or sum’n, i don’t know.
but something has got to give in the american system eventually…
imagine working 40 hours a week continously for years.
imagine a life never knowing the levels of joy and pleasure of being
completely free and surrounded by passions for an extended time…
imagine being satisfied knowing you are only living half of your life.
actually realizing and admitting that you will die missing most of
what life has to offer. not experiencing the things you deeply desire.
imagine having a philosophy that makes the system
you live in look like an imposible puzzle.
what if you realized that your philosphy or religion doesnt work?
that the numbers just dont add up….
years of life experience, total faith and complete devotion to find
the philosophy or religion that you believe in concludes in dogma.
your belief system just doesnt give you answers to today’s issues.
much more than faith and belief are needed.
intelligance and undertanding is needed for success
looking at a future you dont understand
(and technology that will swallow you up)
with no belief system or instinct.
you have no instinct cause you are use to following the rules.
the rules totally guided you, now you dont trust them.
the book of rules is all that you know.
where do you go…
march 27, 2001
im telling ya, ive seen both sides and working
40 hours a week takes a lot away from a person-
an american is expected to work 40 hrs a week for over half of his life…
im saying this and i love and enjoy my job and career,
imagine those who don’t or can’t…
5 days fallen from unemployed,
i don’t think i miss my old life yet…
march 26, 2001
mr russell crowe
march 24, 2001
when randy moss (arguably the most talented wide recevier in the nfl)
scores or has a big play, he celebrates very enthuisaically. this is a
common thing among black people. outward explosions of pride.
thats just how we do it…
a few years ago i was watching a playoff game when a very young
rookie made like the first & biggest catch of his career. he made an
incredible and amazing 50 yard catch with a worldwide audience
watching in a very important and close game with time running out.
immediately and almost instictively after this catch he bounces up and
starts doing the butterfly. the butterfly is a very urban (ghetto), funky
and sensual dance. it was a physical outward explosion of celebration
and feeling from his accomplishment. he was very proud of what he
did and this came out physically almost without him thinking about it.
white people dont do that. what comes off as being “bragging, arrogant
and egotistical” in white america is normal behavior in black culture.
this is just how black folx do it…
the same goes for me and other things. im a randy moss technically
and when i do something that i know is outstanding i want and almost
need to celebrate outwardly physically. this is really a big no-no in
a structured white office environment, especially in the more established
and traditinal one im in now. when i resolve a tough server issue or solve
a hard problem (especially for a ceo), i want to pound my chest and roar
like a lion. white people just dont do that…
another thing i have never seen white people do is bi-directional and
omni-directional conversations. white people wait for the other person
to stop talking completely before talking. there were times last night when
i was hanging out in the hood when everybody was talking at once. there
were 6 people paired up in 3 conversations. at times in each of those
conversations both people would be talking to each other at the same time.
further still, there were moments when both people in all three comversations
were talking at the same time. when this happened you could feel the vibe
in the room. and everybody in every conversation could hear (was aware
to some extent) the other people in the other 2 conversations. so it was
easy to interchange conversation partners cause even though you were
talking in your own conversation you know the subject matter that was
just discussed in your new partners previous converstion. from all this
is a vibration and energy. a certain vibe on a certain kinda frequency
i went from historically established white office america to the hood
without debriefing. the contrast of the 2 cultures was very evident.
i get to brenda & jesse’s jusdt as they get home from work. me and
brenda go in the apartment and jesse goes to get food and drink.
brenda puts on some music and we chill to the vibe of that.
white people dont do that, they cant. not sure if they lost it in over
socializtion or civilization or discipline or all of the above. we snapped
our fingers to the music and danced to each other’s vibe and the
feeling of friday. (brenda was my babysitter so ive known her
sammy stops by as he probably does everyday and so did sharon.
jesse returns and starts cooking. steaks and salads. and im talking
finely prepared steaks and salads, not just thrown on a plate. you
can feel the love and energy (and the food is excellent!!) he puts into the
meal and this contributes to the friday vibe. i dont think white people
by chance some of brenda’s and jesse’s ex-neighbors stop by
that they havent seen in awhile and the friday party petitions to
be official. during all this while folx getting they drink on im vibing down
from an internetless and AOLless white office workday on their internet
while dancing for like two straight hours. online with my girls that i love
so much. i wonder if they know how much our chats online mean to me-
im dancing and feeling gooooooood….
after everybody came together and was on the same vibe from good
conversation, food, music, drink it now was a full fledged impromptu
party. and thats when we danced. i was kinda dj’ing (following strict
orders of what to play) cds on the computer with sub-woofer system
so the music was flowing all night. it was ghetto r&b with that very
sensual and spiritual movement (but dysfunctional lyrics). lucy pearl.
after the novelty of this became labor and jesse had finished cooking
a beautiful and marvelous meal he started to dj.
since he hangs out and knows the vibe he knew what music to play.
he put on the new hot song by jahem. it is dysfunctional ghetto music
with a very very vibey beat. the cd is even named “ghetto love.” anywayz
when he put that song on it touched one of the ex-neighbors and she
let out one of them “thats my song” screams and it was on…
she had seen the video and liked the song alot and was going to
buy it but didnt know who sang it. brenda had just bought the cd too
and was wearing a jahem t-shirt so when they connected spiritually, so
outwardly & openly it was felt by the whole room which was already
closely connected because of good times, food and conversation.
we all danced for at least an hour. we could feel it and we celebrated
and danced in it. i had been dancing, computing and playing for about
2-3 hours already so i was warm and knee deep in the spirit of the room.
(how much of it was i responsible for? this happens everywhere i go)
white people cant do this. and im not sure if they lost it or never had it.
so at 1:30am (i had been up since 5:30am) because im the only
sober person cause i dont drink me and 3 of the fellas pile
in my rental car (plain geo metro) and hed to ralphs for a 12 of
millers genuine draft (that was my beer of choice 12 yrs ago),
what looked like a half gallon of chevitz-regal and a fifth of martell-
i believe those to be cognacs.
when i finally do get to the valley around 2:30a i stop by my
favorite smoothie place (they’re 24 hrs) for a cheery bang freeze,
a blueberry muffin and a piece of cheesecake to go with the giant
size snickers and three musketeers candy bars i got at ralphs and
these 3 late teenage dudes is out front smoking weed. i smell it and
smile as i walk by them and one follows me in to the store, goes
behind the counter and asks can he help me.
we both just started laughing…
march 22, 2001
today i watched the b-2 spirit bomber do 4 or 5 fly-bys and
i had a partial view of the runway as it did touch and go’s…
march 15, 2001
damn i feel good…
(if you try to conceal the way that you feel,
you’re asking for trouble. c.khan)
who my parents were gonna be
was the luckiest day of my life-
by farjeffery scott mitchell
a normal day in the life of jeffery scott mitchell…
i wake up feeling productive after about a week or so of feeling not.
i do some cool updates to my page and start building a NT workstation
with cd burner that i put on my home network specifically to make cds
from my hundreds of napstered mp3s. i have good spirited phone
conversation with my sister and fun positive stimulating chats with
my online peeps. one of the chats was with a girl who i did a
museum and a sunset blvd window seat 50s style hamburger dinner with
the night before. while there a guy came in wearing a stir of echoes
shirt which is a movie our former company did.
anywayz, while chatting with her another buddy IMs me for lunch
and i say cool but “no sushi, no hamburgers.” he suggests cajun so i
get dressed, snatch the cds i just burned and ride roof-off on a beautiful
day to meet him in front of my former job. he comes out shortly after my
conversation with one of Artisan’s finest females and we’re rolling roof-off
and run into my former boss and his buddies who are returning from
practicing for the company’s basketball tournament. my boss asks me
“where are you now that we need you?” it took awhile for that zinger
to set in…
while we’re waiting for his roomamte to show outside the cajun fish place
we meet this cool dude hanging out down here from palmdale. the fried
fish, chicken wings and fries were filling and a welcome change from my
standard menu and was so inexpensive that my buddy picked up the tab.
(a free lunch, thanks dude for helping the unemployed)
i drop him off and run into another good conversation with one of Artisan’s
finest females who tells me of some funky happenings around the way.
i head home roof-off via pacific coast highway absorbing the sun and
ocean view. after some r&r im headed back down to santa monica
to meet my p-funk buddies to see weapon of choice which was the music
we jammed to roadtripping between the vegas and anaheim p-funk concerts.
i knew of but never heard weapon of choice’s “nutmeg” music before
our vegas excursion and this music was good enough to turn me out.
i gets there early and hook up with another p-funk buddy and we chill
a little like that and peep the people. one of the people i peep was
a 5’11” white girl who’s physical dimensions dominated my view of the
room. the first band is so good and funky that when i met the lead singer
after their set i instinctively gave him a two-handed handshake. i felt his
music and enjoyed his vibe so deep that my appreciation for his music
was sent to him without me even thinking thru my handshake. i gently
but firmly grabbed his hand and without thinking covered his and my right
hand with my left. it was an instinctive eye to eye, smile and two handed
shake that just came out of me without thinking. afterwads i enjoyed
how real my spontaneous expression was.
during his set he announced they had a mailing list and that ingrid was
in charge of that. ingrid was that 5’11” girl who earlier dominated my
view of the room and who my first words to were “how tall are you?”
the place was full of white girls and a more than usual amount of tall
ones. there were a couple of times this night i turned, looked and
thought i was in white girl heaven. more than once i told my boys
this too, even though im sure they’ve heard me enough to know what
moves me. i was saying to myself “am i dead?” cause this feels like
heaven…i couldnt have scripted this any better if i tried…
anywayz, my vegas road buddies show up and it was good seeing them.
first thing i said to each of them was “man, we had a goodtime.” i
have been a bunch of places and done a lot of things so i know what a
good time is. and our 2 state p-funk tour was one of the best. everything
went perfect. i told them that when im really expericing life or consumed
by the events, i dont stop to write or take pictures. this is why i still havent
done any reviews of the 4 p-funk shows 2-21 to 2-24. i was stimulated by
a experience so saturated with good things that there is no room for output.
i can still feel the energy from the good time we had. i danced for 4 days-
so many good things happened during those days…
anywayz, we’re in there chillin and having a good time when i hear one
of my buddies say “is that blackbyrd?” then i look and sure enuff its dewayne
“blackbyrd” mcknight, my favorite guitarist from funkadelic who was simply
amazing these last 4 p-funk concerts!! instinctively i walked thru the crowd
down the middle of the open dancefloor to the stage directly to him like we
was old friends or sum’n. sure ive met him a few times and new years eve his
motel room was down the hall from mine and after the LA house of blues
show i gave him (goood) pics i took and printed (on premium glossy paper)
of him and i knew he would recognize me, but it was instinct again that ran
me to salute him.
i was saying allnight “life is good and then blackbyrd shows up.”
3/9/2001, night of a new, full moon
is it me or does life flow like this for everybody????
music that isn’t hindered by barriers of genre or race.
a huge melting pot with any number of ingredients.
i think i may be on to something about love, love-evolve
i woke up this morning still deep thinking it.
will research more…
march 3, 2001
while drifting in and out of a nap today i thought about how i am
“in love” with life. i not only love living, i am in love with living.
i let myself wade and daydream in the joy i get from my existence.
i love my existence like a girlfriend. literally.
then i thought how could a girlfriend compete with this? if i am in
love with life, what could a human being do or be to compete with that?
the only way i see any competition is if i suddenly became dependant on
another person. if i had a serious need that was fulfilled by a person,
my desire would be for that person to satisfy that need. that person would
be the object of my desire and i would eventually love them.
i have evolved to where i dont have a need for a close companion
i dont need a companion to do things with. i thoroughly enjoy stuff by
myself. i am my own best company. i talk, laugh and dance with myself in
public without apprehension. and if i wish i can talk to and enjoy the closes
person like ive known them for a long time, stranger or not. in fact, i prefer
to go to movies (just saw traffic and it was GOOD!!!!), concerts, museums
and performances solo, even (and maybe especially) vacations. and i didnt
say “i dont mind going solo,” i said i prefer it.
so what could a person be or do to make me love them when im
already in love? life is universe big and has so much to offer. life
has learning and knowledge, beauty, strange and exotic experiences,
things and people. life is always new so it never gets stale and you
always get that “new person tingle.” life is much much deeper than
any single person could ever be.
so is love of another human being a response to needs that aren’t met?
if a person could get the right stimulation from life and existence would he
need (or want) to love a person? the only other thing a person brings is physical
contact and sex. physical contact (cuddling, hugging, etc) does make a person
feel better or good but that is cause of a need and desire from lacking something
else. understanding can handle that. sex is suppose to be for procreating not
for mental health but because of the evoluion of the social animal man it is a
need. and let me tell ya there is a deep freedom in celebacy.
saturday night live is on and for some reason i couldn’t get in a
writing zone. i feel like i didnt explain this enough or right but the idea is
very vivid in my head. maybe i can elaborate later…
(the movie traffic was really really really good)
march 2, 2001
i realized that i bought my main tv (the one in the livingroom) with my
ex-wife back around 1986. it was used and we paid $75 for it. i told my
sister this and she told me that the tv she gave me (in my bedroom) was given
to her by my father 21 years ago. i go on to notice my vcr is also a
hand-me-down from my sister. my phones (none cordless) are 10 &
8 years old.
my stereo is an 8 year old radio shack am/fm receiver with a broken remote.
connected to it is an old laptop with cd-rom running winamp playing mp3s.
the speakers are a mix-matched pair of car surface mount speakers that
are about 8 years old themselves. my couch & loveseat i bought with my
ex-fiance in 1991. i own no computer faster than 200mhz.
and im not even gonna talk about my wadrobe.
reflecting, i spend most of my income on travel and experience.
i’ll spend $75 for a cirque du soliel ticket, but not for a pair of shoes…
|hey, mr. seeker hold on to this advice
if you keep seeking you will find
don’t want to follow
down roads been walked before
it’s so hard to find unopened doors
are you ready? are you ready?
hey, mr. hero walking a thin, fine line
under the microscope of life
remember your roots, my friend
they’re right down below
’cause heroes come and heroes go
ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one
count down to the change in life that’s soon to come
your life has just begun
|(are you ready for us to come?)|
february 25, 2001
i danced all day long for 4 straight days.
february 23, 2001
friend of mine just got back from her first trip to europe. i consider it
a cool thing that i took her to the airport for this trip. i also helped her
move into her first apartment back in 1999. i get off on playing a small
part in events like this for people. im not talking about involvement in
the majors, but i feel very proud to be a piece of people’s “firsts.”
i will always be a small part of the memory of her first apartment and
her first trip to europe, this is something i dont take lightly and think
is very cool….
another cool thing is that we didnt even try to discuss her trip online.
we mostly communicate via chat (like most of my peeps) but we
knew that AOL IM wasnt gonna be able to handle this kinda
conversation. there was a time when i would have been frustrated
trying to feel someone else’s deep experience online. too many times
ive tried to stretch the capability of chat and ended up with a headache.
chatting is good for a lot of things, but high-speed communication of
animated and exciting visual experiences it is not…
anywayz, we are riding down fairfax on our way to have sushi with
the europe story when i look up and see a big ole brown booty!!
i did a doubletake to verify, stopped my car and traffic then screamed
“where’s my camera?!!!!” my friend was in the passenger seat where
my camera and bookbag usually is and the girl (who was not homeless
and kinda cute) was maybe 15 feet past her right outside the car window.
it was like 3pm and she did a full-blown mooning. she was bent
completely over and had her sweat pants pulled down to her knees,
it was ass for days. even after my scream and other cars blowing their
horns the ass was still there! i had plenty of time to get the picture,
should my camera had been where it usually is… needless to say how
i felt about missing that shot. driving away and looking back the girl
had a big playful smile on her face…
i asked my friend did she see it. she gave the typical “yuk” type comment
that girls give to guys when looking at other naked girls. i asked her why
“yuk” and she said the girl could have used a little exercise. being a
white girl, she obviously hasn’t seen many black girl’s butts in the raw.
it had been a while since i had seen one myself, but it was just as i
along with the vacation story she also had two good thoughts.
one was about the media’s hyped coverage of the columbine shootings
and the effect that coverage had. the big thing i got was the
laws and practices that were created because of news coverage.
the extended media exposure brings detailed attention to a situation
and society will react to that situation partly based on how the media
presents it. what if the media ran the story once and dropped it?
i wonder how much social change can be directly attributed to the
media’s coverage of the event and not the event itself…
the other thought was about the jfk plane crash news coverage. for 2-3
days the big story and news was basically about nothing! during the search
for the plane nothing really happened, it was a waiting game but the media
covered it intensely. sure there is public interest (i watched it too) and suspense,
but basically we were watching nothing happening…
e.j.s. from a chat earlier that day