|february 10, 2004
and even with all i have said negatively about love over the last month (and maybe years) about how dysfunctional, difficult and not worth it it is…i would not only more than gladly fall again but would be open to engaging in the same very situation i wanted to “walk away” from. thats the beauty of love and being human. from a clear headed almost emotionally removed view i can look at a situation i clearly see as “bad” and would gladly engage risk and that situation to get that in love feeling. if not at least temporarily. its just that good. its just plain flat out simply that good of a feeling. the risk maybe is to enjoy the love feeling while avoiding the love condition.
even risk loosing my current girlfriend life and my in love condition for life. well maybe, i dont know about that one. but still…
february 9, 2004
i was under what could be called a “love condition” recently and this is how i felt. there were things in the other person that i would not normally tolerate without the love condition. and not only did i tolerate them, they seemed to make my love (condition) for that person stronger!!! imagine the possibilities something like that has in the evolution of a species who has decided consciously that monogamy is the way to go. with this kinda love condition totally different kinds of people can live together in love where in another case they would not even like each other. the love condition will make you want to be with someone you dont even like!!
i say “love condition” cause i am refereing to something that i directly experienced and i dont think it was love. i think if it was love, the real thing, i and it would have been different. as i type this i cant think of how it would be different, only to think that if i felt it real nothing on earth or universe would keep me from it.
i also say love condition cause when i had it, i could tell something was “wrong.” i told the person to that i liked them more than just friends. but if asked did i want them for my girlfriend? no. did i want sex with them? no did i want to be around them and spend time with them? no. but i could not stop thinking about them. i said as we sat discussing this that i could not wait till i got out of this. i had told her that i was in like with her and my head was with her. i couldnt even consider anything with another female cause my thoughts were of her. but i also knew that she was unpleasant to be with, her conversation was good but fairly shallow. most of what she felt important in life i didnt. we were two people with different ideas and personalities who i think got along very very well. i called it chemistry. it had to be chemical or physical cause my attraction to her i didnt think could possibly be cause of her physical looks, personality or what i would “gain” from her.
all that said it was nice to be in a relationship kinda. it was nice to be in the company of a female with maybe more than just friendly intentions. and lets not forget that the “maybe” part is the best of it. the maybe that caused enough sexual tension to be pleasurable. the maybe of what this relationship could be. all this and more combined to give me that in love feeling and in love condition.
as i struggled with my heart (in love condition) and mind (knew it was to much work) i was torn and confused. LOL yeah that may sound like nothing much but i am VERY VERY VERY rarely confused. i didnt know what to do or what i wanted. i had angst but i couldnt even tell you why.
one thing i remember telling her was that without that in love condition it was not worth spending time with her. without that love thang she just didnt bring enough to the table and was basically irritating. i even gave her examples of why. i even thought and said that i dont want friends. i thought about this and it may be true. if there is no sexual tension or a love interest thing, i may really dont want a person as a friend. acquaintance maybe, but not friend. i do so well and enjoy things by myself that a person who is just a friend is not needed and would get in the way.
now ofcourse im writing this totally from my perspective. the case seems to be that this person in which i had this love condition for may have other love interests and “another” life. LOL yeah, that was one of the things i knew better about. there were huge pieces regarding this person that were missing. but at first as friends who were just kickin it, it didnt matter. and the truth about things which i am totally free and open about were kept hidden and maybe mis-represented just short of lieing.
and maybe in the early stages she was a better person to be with. but for what ever reason or circumstances something changed and most of which this person came with was some kind of negative stress, drama or complaining. it all came down to me saying that without that “in love condition” its not worth being your friend. you just dont bring enough to the table. this was a rather hard conclusion to get to with the love condition influencing my thoughts.
i still love her and i always will because of the experiences we shared and for what i got out of our relationship. what i got changed me forever.
and also i feel i must add having just returned from my daily lunch stroll, i enjoy very much being single. i enjoy knowing everyday when i awake there is a chance for me to meet that special person. this alone is enough to motivate me, but throw the fact ive lost maybe 50lbs and summer is coming up and im feeling and functioning better than i may ever have in my life. i look good. lust is mi fave sin (the desire, wanting and associated feelings of lust, not necessarily the catch) and if im hooked up with a girlfriend or in love that goes away. but while in my love condition i didnt seem to mind. that may have been cause it was made known upfront that it was cool for both of us to do anything else with other people.
and this leads me to another point that i really dont think even in that in love condition that i was worried about her seeing someone else or if she was screwing someone else. i really really think that didnt matter to me. but i think i had an issue with not knowing, and even that i may have been able to overlook. i really really believe that, but you never know till they tell you what they did last night. LOL
i love being jeffery. it is a very very special thing. i love being alone in public. i enjoy going out and outings more alone than i do with other people. i have more freedom alone and thats very important to me.
so what do i want?
if i had a chance at another go round with it i would. and it wouldnt take much for me to consider another go round with it. not much being extremely relative.
february 7, 2004
i have come to know that this is why i so love my infatuations. one time an infatuation of mine asked me why her opinion mattered to me. i told her cause i elevated her to that status. “i gave it to you.” i told her it was probably nothing she did or said (cause its what she is) it was something i choose to make her be for me.
i have many infatuations. some long term ones too. some that only last for hours or that night. and usually there is no direct verbal dialogue passed between us. but there always seem to be interaction of somekind.
infatuations are used for muse. inspiration. the deeper the infatuation the deeper the muse. from apr 1999 to apr 2002 i went through a museum phase. currently i am in a very very deep music phase. the words museum and music come from the word muse.
i have learned to kinda channel this added energy my physical body gets from infatuation into creative energy of something productive. the deeper the infatuation the deeper the muse. the deeper the inspiration the more powerful the energy the deeper my creative thinking and ability to mind possibilities and combinations of things. speed the brain up to surf a wide range of thoughts and mix them up into combinations and associations as never before. focusing that in love energy.
and though it is understood there is fantasy involved, the is a certain level of reality, truth and honesty that must be maintained (well, at least for me). there has to be a certain rightness i can be comfortable with to allow for possibilities. which allow for infatuations.
side note to self: maybe in 1996 when time stopped that connection was made in the brain that allowed me to feel that energy or sensation. maybe something “clicked” and from that point on a connection was opened up due to a realization and sensation experience. a connection that made me be aware and actually feel that “in love” sensation. to be conscious of it.
did we have desire? a controlled desire. i was not wanting when time stopped but things were going. im sure i had need for our relationship and got great pleasure from it. it was strong and steady and consistent. i use to say i dont know what it is but it has me waking up singing. and i never even kissed the girl. it was all online though we would meet for walks. i believe what we had to be pure. i dont believe either one of us compromised the thing and time we shared. as with every thing, there is something that will always be only between us.
after a couple months of chatting and a few walks online a love between us was acknowledged. it was beautifully built up to this point. i remember the feeling i got at the exact moment when i saw the words on my screen. it was as if time stopped. my universe was shifted. from that day on i was changed. like an awakening.
very very funny now too it seems that even at that moment i somehow understood the love was bigger than just of or for her. i think i can honestly say that i did love her but knew what was going on was much bigger and would go way beyond her. its like i wasnt even aware i i was aware or something. i dont know. its been 7 years of tremendous growth for me in a lot of areas. me and Anna’s “actual” relationship may have lasted lasted for six months and been mostly online, but what we had between us goes far beyond that.
february 4, 2004
its gonna be one hell of a summer
jeffery email@example.com www.pfunk1.com Apr 23, 1998 15:43 EST
he actually transgresses the rules of his society, he elicits within himself the keenest pleasure, and if successful, he creates what no husband, lover, or lecher succeeds in doing, he makes orgasm permanent, uninterrupted. The intimacy with which he handles his body, his mind and other minds, and auxiliary objects around him to achieve and stabilize this state, is forbidden in all societies…Since intimacy makes for autonomy (autonomy means self-rule, not governed by religion or goverment), total intimacy entails total autonomy, and no society so far has put up with this possibility in any individual…. Intimate drugs, intimate love, and mysticism — the most intimate of all if it were known to more establishmentarians – these are the real dangers, for they alienate a man’s mind and body from the king; hence they are illicit. Mysticism was known to the priests as the supreme danger, as the irrevocable launching site for alienation from the king and his sacerdotal allies; hence they persecuted it when it appeared.
january 16, 2004
i also have said more than once that i didnt think i could be in love with another person cause i didnt think that an individual could compare to what life has to offer. i even may have stated that being in love with another single individual was wrong or unhealthy. giving one person that much power over you and your feelings is wrong.
it is a major distraction too. major major as your attention starts to more and more be on or with that other person. then maintaining that feeling becomes the goal, not necessarily the relationship. not necessarily the person or her endearing qualities. but to keep getting that “in love” feeling.
especially when can you use this in love feeling and energy to be productive and as a creative drive. you dont want to loose it. and have to start all over with someone else. cause you just cant get this from anybody instantly, it has to be developed and grown over time. well, at least in my case.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY KIMBERLY
i say this from recent experience. i wasn’t all in love with her, but i sure did enjoy the rush from liking her. i loved and love that in love feeling. i had more energy and enthusiasm, etc. i was on a natural high. then i realized that liking her was becoming a problem. usually you just cant like somebody and hangout with them and grow a relationship in a vacuum. there are alot of other factors that go into any kind of relationship. the way two people feel about each other may be the strongest and primary point, but other factors determine if the relationship will be successful or not. such as access to each other (availability) and if the two’s value systems are compatible.
i was flyin high in like with this person and just enjoying the rush from her company and the sexual tension between us. and all along as it was casual it was cool cause i didnt want or need to see them everyday. looking back im not sure what i even wanted. wait, let me address this.
i felt i needed to “walk away” from it all for some reason. there was something missing. but if i didnt want anything from this person what was it i wanted them to do or be? granted in my opinion the values and aspects of this persons personality are unhealthy for her and go against alot of what i believe, that wasnt enough to feel i should walk away.
ok, im confused about my own actions. i aint been confused about nothing ive done or do for years, and now i am?
looking back on the day yesterday when i felt or realized i need to walk away i was emotional. i was actin like a whiny bitch kinda. i was wanting something and asking for something but i dont know what or how i was doing it. i had an urge to have something from her, but what? i cant even think of what it could be. but i remember how i felt during this episode which started off very playful.
maybe i was gettin the vibe that she didnt want this to continue without saying it and i was reacting to that. im not sure but i am sure i was frustrated by something enough to decide to walk away. but looking back i cant think of what it is!!!!!
having said all that leads me to my original point about love. when i decided that this “being in like” thing was over, the rush, energy and enthusiasm ended in a manner that made me believe it was a physical or chemistry change in my body. not just a mental thing. i didnt think i was depressed as in below happy. i felt like i came down off a high back to normal and this felt like depression. cause i was definitely high off likin this one.
it felt like since mentally the “love” was gone, my body stopped stimulating itself with that in love feeling. and i felt depressed. over time and as the love stimuli left my body i settled and could feel the difference. it was then i could look back and see how weird i was acting.
and i think i was fighting to keep getting that in like feeling. i didnt want it to stop. i told the girl that i could only get that feeling from her right now and no other person on the planet, and that is true. and i dont believe it was anything that she particularly is or does. it was the position that i gave her. not to say that she wasnt deserving of this postion, but looking at it and my past infatuations and loves i have realized that it is me who elevates them to that special status.
so i may have been actin like a bitchin baby who wasnt gettin what they wanted. imagine that. me being a needy human. strung out on an emotional attachment. addictive to the “drug” that being in like was pumping thru my body. i didnt want it to go away and when it did i went thru withdrawls. is it gone already?
the greatest flaws in human beings
i love being jeffery even when being jeffery isn’t popular. being jeffery is understanding why what is when it is. most things are natural. instinctive. fair or exploitive, up or down, hot or cold doesnt matter when it comes to human beings. humans, even on large scales as groups or civilizations can justify anything. every crime or sin that can be committed, has been committed. why is that. by its very possibility is a human created to fulfill that perversion or cruelty? but has every good thing that we can think of been done. yes also. and on large scales at the civilization level at one time or another in history.
so far as we have experienced, consciousness is the grandest thing in the universe. with consciousness and creativity, you can do anything imaginable in the universe. or should i say within the sun-earth physics or our universes physics if they are the same. yes i should.
and lets not forget to factor in we are talking about my ego and my perception of myself which cannot be accurate without luck. i will never be able to see or be conscious of myself independent of myself.
december 23, 2003
gettin high on information
december 11, 2003
im depressed. physical depression or whatever. dont feel like dancin or talkin or nothing. dont feel sick (no flu or nausea and i dont feel bad). just aint motivated to do shit or be bohtered. it could be withdrawals as this almost directly coincides with my recent ending of a daily habit. could be, who knows.
im not happy, im not sad, im flat. im cold. im at work. and i sat in a meeting quiet and with no energy. it may be ego and the perception i have of myself but i felt as if my lack of energy affected the room. im not use to being an observer and not a participant. but still, in my mind, i all but felt the need to defend myself being a quiet participant. i mean like sure its not my usual role, but im allowed and should be able to just observe and not participate should i desire.
if something that is usually very consistent changes i understand there will probably be some sort of reaction to that change, no matter what it is. life is just like that.
and i just want to wallow in it. its not a bad feeling, just one that im not use to. this has to be what physically depressed feels like. no appetitie. i forgot to eat breakfast. loosing weight too, weighed in this morning at 241.9 which is lower than i been in years.
last night in bed before i fell asleep i felt a bit of anxiety. like i wasnt doing enough to protect my career and job. mostly worry i knew this but i felt it physically. anxiety over not having any savings, my car could die at anytime or need major repair, loose my job and not be prepared to compete in the job market, that the enthusiasm and confidence i have in what im doing as far as my book and philosophy is misdirected and will lead to nothing. guess i wasnt too worried about my kids as i know they will be taken care of no matter what, but i do have concern about my responsibility to pay jeffery’s tuition. chance i may not be able to send them anything before/for christmas but thats just gifts, it would sting but not hurt. im concerned about debt i have and what may happen when this debt catches up to me. concern about maintaining my present lifestyle of travel and party.
also i think cause i have so much confidence and ego, i have no apprehension about being depressed. so there is no “fear” or emotional drive that kicks in to stimulate me. not necessarily fear, but an adrenaline that may kick in due to a person feeling uncomfortable making other people uncomfortable. its not that i dont give a damn, its that i know its not really an important thing to put other people at ease in certain situations.
and i really do just want to be left alone. sometimes i may say i want to be left alone but not really want it. i may say it and actually hope someone would bother me so i could vent anger or even hit somebody. on the way to work this morning i was not oppose to violence and even almost ran up on a car just to do it. i also let my car stray across a lane just to get in somebody’s way. just to be a bitch and to do sumn.
11:16am i have spurts of spiritedness and at one point i thought i could turn on happy if i really wanted. but after exerting a little energy on something i felt weak again. but as always in these low moments i use the time to reflect and see life from a not so optimistic perspective. i evaluate myself with an almost paranoid attitude and see what i come up with.
i am also irritable to the upteenth degree. a certain co-worker who i usually find pleasing is irritating the f*** (fuck) out of me. im not use to this so the novelty is something to experience. i just want to go home. and eat. 4.5 hours till 4pm when i go home and i wont have to be irritated by the sound of that so fucking irritating voice.
ok, i may be enjoying this depressed disposition just a little. having this anger i dont usually have. but i really really dont want to be talked to. and thats an issue.
12:45p eating chicken dumpling soup or sumn from the 9th floor, its not bad. rather good in fact. i just want to go home. moments of spiritedness come and go. hope i dont get the full blown flu and have to miss work, thats my only concern. today is thursday and its raining outside and i have a little over 3 hours to go. i can make it. i can make it thru friday also even if i have to come in and die standing up. dont need to miss work for the money but if i must, i must.
this might be withdrawals and if it is its still a good thing. i needed to go thru this one way or the other. i needed to break it down a bit as i was consuming mass quantities.
december 10, 2003
sick day off work, feel like s*** (shit). flu going around and not sure if i got it or gettin it, just know i dont wanna be around people and prolly people dont wanna be around me cause i dont lie or hide my feelings or “try” to be nice. im nice cause its what i want to be. same as with happy. im genuinely happy most of the time its no act. so when im sick or irritable or somethings bothering me, its very very noticeable. hope to make more progress on my book today. the writing part is coming along well, i need to start working on the technical part; isbn numbers, opc codes, amazon.com requirements, copyright, etc.
december 6, 2003
working on my book, chattin with benita, need a temp placeholder page
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DAILYS: February 10, 2004
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