january 11, 2001
my site seems to be still up. and ya know the first thing i did was
to check to see if it was. but i know to make local copies of all
changes just in case, but while im here…
the zoo is definitley a kids place. it a place where our (society’s)
kids have even greater authority cause its designed and setup for
children. like chuck-e-cheese, we make extra “allowances” for kids.
so when you go to a place that you expect a lot of kids and parents.
funny thing is at the zoo the other day, it wasnt the kids that bugged
me, it was the parents. the amount and degree of “baby” talk and the
dummied-up simpleton tone the pareants used was very irritating. i never
talk down to children. sure, when i do talk to them i may soften,
simplify and slow it down a bit, but i dont treat kids like a non-sugar coated
normal tone will scar them for life. hearing this got to be truly sickening
i have noticed that every house that i go to that has kids, the kids
are the focal point of everything in that house. the parents may be
the authority, but the kids are in control. everything revolves around
the children in that house. i think to a certain extent that is true publicly too
and to a degree its a good thing that we (society) put alot of attention
and effort into our children which are literally our future.
but if little johnny is in the grocery store tearing things up and his parent
“asks” and “pleads” with him to stop with a candy-coated soft “i dont
wanna upset johnny” type voice, i think something may be wrong here.
the way i heard some of the parents talk to their children was too
nice, too soft and too simple to be healthy. nobody else is gonna treat
those kids that way other than their parents so these tots will be in for a
rude awakening. that is if some of these over-protective parents ever
let the kid interact with society.
i dont wanna sound sexist, but the most sickening thing was a father
talking to his daughter. its kinda ok for mommy to be the “good cop”
and the maternal one, but i think daddy should be “the force” or “the strength.”
this guy was talking to this little girl like he was a big sissy. i can understand
he wanted her to participate and help in the decision making process
and feel free to be creative, but there are ways he could have done that
without removing all of his masculinity (im assuming he had some) and
dignity as a male and/or human being.
i also realize that an enviroment with kids is much different. life is
simplified, softened with no hard edges. white lies are very commonly told.
subject matter is very basic and non aggressive. most of life’s realities,
issues and deeper philosophies are kept out of this enviroment. so over
time the parents overall tone becomes “soft.” (parents are also much more
stressed and rundown in the deeper sense)
einstein flat out said he didnt have the patience for children. parenting
by far is the hardest job in the world. it is the most demanding cause
instinct will not let you rest from worry or of being aware of your kids.
maybe 90% of a parents thoughts are directly of or relate to their children.
and at our present point in evolution there is little room for much else
after this. not much room or time for free thought, deep thinking or
living alone for along time, i have lots of “free thinking” time and
im damn goood at it. the more you do anything, the better you are at it.
ive had years to practice deep thinking and meditative thought. this has
developed into something very spiritual and mystical. there is great power
in this. i have time to constantly stuff my brain with information and data.
science, art, philosophy, physics, theories, experience, etc and i have a lot
of time to aggressively deep think this info.
the internet is the greatest source of information that ever was and i have
a high speed connection to it most of my waking day. i dont play or have
any games on my computer. the game i play is to see how much data
i can consume and how many new things i can learn and experience.
i am constantly trying to learn. i have national geograhics in the bathroom
so i may read about the dawn of man, evolution, etc. i am constantly
aware of my surroundings so its like everything and everyone around me
is under my study (digital camera always ready).
my life goal is to put all this information together and see the ultimate theory.
and i believe it will happen. so in the background my brain is constantly sorting
all my life’s data with this goal in mind. even in my sleep…
all of the big philosophical and mental evolutionary steps were just a
recognizing of something very simple and obvious. the being
just had to become conscious of something that was already there.
to do this takes long hours of deep thought about the simplest things
around us and how they work while processing new information. its not
only studying the data we have and consider scientific law, but how man
came to that law and why. i even study my studying…
ok, im gonna tell you how it will happen. one day a theory will become clear
to me. i will see the simple little way that explains everything. i will become
conscious of our universe in such a way that defining it and “why we are here”
(defining god) can be done with a very simple theory. thats the “hard” part.
once i do that, there will be a way to prove or disprove my theory.
thats when i will call on the people and resources that i have. say for
example i theorize a multiple big bang universe theory (i stole that for example).
and i say that planets are stars that didnt quite make it. and i say that stars are
black holes that didnt quite make it. but the ultimate goal of our universe is a
black hole. and at the ultimate center of our universe is a super fantatsic
gigantic black hole. (a lot of that i just thought up). and say to prove it
i need readings in the x- and gamma ray range from different galaxies
along with the magnetic radiation of our own galaxy. i need thiscause i feel i
can determine the ultimate spin and direction of the universe. thereby determining
its center- whre the super massive black hole is. (damn im good). thats when i will
use the resources around me that has that data or can get that data. i will call
on the mathematicians to calculate, jpl for astronomical data, etc…
the fuel to keep me going after this goal is spirited living and loving life.
i am so deeply in love with life and love is the greatest motivator of them all.
it gives you energy and allows you to perform impossible things.
it is the ultimate drive, it is infinite and it will keep me going for years.
it is my deep love for everything&everybody around me that will
give me the energy to find that one simple theory and define god.
january 10, 2001
will be down later tonight until maybe mondaymy only outlet will be the wall
i may need therapy to get through this
oh the pain
i am a morning person. i naturally make the transition from sleep to wake
most mornings very smoothly around 7:30am. im rarely awakened by any
external source so i enter consciousnous each day very serenely. even this
morning though i was up til 3am building a linux server cause the redhat book
i took to bed with me just got too damn good.
when i awake, i gently enter into thought. writing this i realize im not sure at
exactly what point of my awakening i am aware, but sometimes i think i can
remember my first thought of the day. then usually without realizing im fully
awake i begin a 15-20 minute session where i am fully conscious lying in bed
and casually browsing the thoughts in my head. sometimes a thought takes hold
and i end up intensely concentrating or studying it and it becomes that days project.
sometimes it produces a theory.sometimes i get excited and it jump starts my day.
i get up and can go at least an hour without having to talk or deal with anyone or
anything. i am alone with my thoughts in a peacful undisturbed quiet. i wonder how
much this is worth in $$$. you cant be where i am or do the things i do raising children
and i am fully aware of this. i could not be the person i am today if i was a full
today i ended up thinking about last year and if there was any real stress
or problems that i had last year. it started with the fact that i did a lot of air travel
last year and never lost any luggage. in fact, most of the time (and i expect)
my luggage is close to the first out. the only real trouble i got into was in
new york on business when i over slept. it got back to my boss in LA and
it kinda pissed him off. i truly did over sleep cause i took a red-eye the night
before and busted my ass to get everything done in the office and was exhausted-
(ok, ok so i was up later than i should have been on the top of the empire state
building). realizing his disapproval, i was at the ny office in 20 minutes with the
intensity of dessert storm to make a simple tweak and i stayed there all day
another issue was when i thought my daughter lied to me. she may or may not have
been engaged in questionable internet activity and evidence suggests she
lied. this REALLY upset me. the kids had been out here for 3 weeks and i was
wearing down and this broke me. i was “weak” and this hit me hard. i got thru it
and if you ask me now its still not over. lieing is absolutley intolerable and i wont
forget this until i feel its properly settled one way or the other no matter how long
the only real daily stress i had was a very, very irritating and loud co-worker who
bugs everybody around them. there are deeper issues with this person and i recognized
the behavior as a very serious cry for help. it was so riduculous and everybody is so
aware that it is openly discussed in meetings when this person is not there. it broke
up a meeting one time cause everyone broke into a hysterical laughter after one of this
only other moment of slight stress was when my car didnt start before the
Artisan xmas party. attending was very important to me and i stressed a tad
(an hour) until i went ahead and paid $30 for a cab. got there and had a goooood time…
other than those, i really cant think of anything else. i lived life aggressively and
put myself in sequences where everything had to go right and it always did.
and if it didnt i had the capacity, resources and people around me to handle it.
hell, i even quit my job without having another one and no real savings!!!!!
how ballsy is that??
as i say below, its a matter of having an understanding of the people, situations,
resources and limitations around you that make life easy. to paraphrase a sarcastic
friend “hell, you’re 38! you should have your life all worked out by now.” and to
an extent i agree. i tell the 20 sumthin’s that life is much better in your 30s cause
in you’re 20s you are in control of nothing…
oh yeah!! im running late for the dentist now and how could i foget loosing a tooth!!!
that may have been the most depressing thing to me personally. i was depressed and
pissed for about a full day. that was probably the biggest issue. but now that im over
it and all my pain gone, even that turned into a good thing….
january 9, 2001
well, well, well. i feel pretty good about wrappin up the year 2000.
i was inspired to sit for almost 6 hours yesterday writing the jan 8 daily below.
it was something that i needed and wanted to do. i felt like i couldnt write any
other daily in 2001 until i paid homage to 2000. and i really didnt praise the
year like i wanted, i just pointed out with passion some of the details of it-
but i think im gonna praise it now…
it was also very good to study and re-live the year. it is something i look at and
say “i did that” with great pride. im very proud to have elevated my life to
such a level of understanding and satisfaction. i know not many people
in the history of mankind can say they had a year like that. a year where
they felt that they were completely free. a year where they felt they could
accomplish anything that they truly wanted. a year where they felt that everything
around them worked to bring the things that they love closer to them…
a year like that isnt something that just happens. you cant just go out and consistently
accomplish the things that i did last year without any rememberable issues, stress or
problems. it took years of preparation, generations even. and it started with my parent’s
parents and even before. understanding, intellect, confidence, education, personality
and a lot more are needed to manipulate the resources and information around you
into the life that you deeply desire.
i can go into a very very deep explanation of this, but i wont. im just gonna
say that i was exposed and priveledged to things by my parents at an early age
that gave me an advantage over most of the kids around me. i took this understanding,
modified it to fit me, then developed it over 38 years-
i now pass this understanding to my children…
it was so good that its hard to put into words.
the things that i have the deepest passion for were continously close to me.
people, places, learning, experiencing, etc…
there are 65 things listed for the year on my events page.
it started tradionally at the rose parade jan 1 in pasadena.
a month later in feb a high level exec pulled some strings
and got me into a private p-funk show and i was on stage for
awhile with funkadelic. two days after that i sat 2nd row for
feb ended with me attending jerome bettis’ grammy party where
i was able to see the man from the team i cheer for every nfl sunday.
march was back to back p-funk concerts, the second of which was
the best concert i ever attended. two days later i was in italy, my first trip to
europe and one of my life long dreams. i chilled in the sistene chapel
and was able to vibe michaelangelo’s david. the trip was perfect and
exceeded my every expectation in every way…
july was new york city where i did times square and saw miss saigon and
phantom of the opera on broadway. at the metropolitan museum of art i
discovered what would be one of my all time favorite pieces of sculpture by
who would be my all time favorite sculptor, rodin. 3 days after returning from
ny i flew to dallas where i visited texas stadium…
the most precious thing i do is spend time with my children.
im not even gonna attempt to describe the feelings i have for them.
its just too deep for me accuratley convey right now…
we playfully did magic moutain and knotts berry farm liked we owned it.
we always have a good time together (until they wear me out) and i took
advantage of the chance to act like a little kid (even more so than usual).
my kids were able to meet the people i work with and me and my son hooped
with the fellas from work. we had a really really really good time this summer…
in september i flew to vegas to see funkadelic at the house of blues.
i remember the feeling i had before the show in the mandalay bay buffet.
good food in front of me in a beautiful room all to myself over looking the pool (girls).
thinking to myself how cool to have flown to vegas to see funkadelic just for that night.
knowing i was gonna fly back home and see them again the next 3 nights. i stopped and
let that feeling go all thru my body. this kinda freedom and capability was the stuff ive
during the last of the 4 shows i found out george clinton was doing 2 more in smaller clubs.
at my 6th p-funk show in 7 days, george stood 7 feet from me on a 2 foot stage and we
were practically alone singing a p-funk medley accompanied only by a drummer (frankie).
earlier that evening i danced with belita as she sang one of my favorite (and very meaningful)
songs, mathematics, to me with her very distinctive voice-
any percent of you is as good as the whole pie…
in october, i saw santana live at the hollywood bowl. i walked down
the red carpet to a world premiere of a major motion picture at the most famous
movie house in the world with all the lights, cameras, fans and hollywood glitz.
on halloween i attended a rally and got pictures of vice president al gore.
in november i successfully quit the best job i ever had in my life.
i was able to walk away totally and completely happy with absolutley no
hard feelings or regrets. on thanksgiving i had dinner with mommy, daddy
and lauire, my true nuclear family. i cant remember the last time the 4
of us were together like that…
december may have been the most exciting month of my life. i saw lion king,
partied at my ex-job’s holiday party and saw two prodcutons of the nutcracker ballet-
one of which was done by the moscow classical ballet. on xmas eve i attended the most
important game of the season for the pittsburgh steelers at san diego. this is a team that
i have loved for over 28 years and we needed a win to make the playoffs. there were
thousands of steeler fans and my vibe was on full. i danced all day long…
the day after that i flew to ohio to hang out with my kids. no words can describe
my feelings for this. i got to see my son play an organized sport for the first time,
9th grade basketball for the same high school that i attended.
it had been 20 years since i was last in that gym…
i told and explained to my father about my life goal to “define god”
the day after i flew back to l.a. from ohio, i flew to oakland to bring in the new
year with the p-funk allstars. at the van nuys flyaway i ran into a member of
funkadelic (earlier that year he told me “when i see you there , i know its gonna
be alright”) and we chilled with the t’bone player for big bad voodoo daddy who
was going to vegas for a show. when we got to the airport we ran into more
funkadlelics. on the plane with me was frankie (drummer), blackbyrd (guitar), greg
(horn) and billy (bass). i get to the hotel and meet carlos (sir nose) and others. the
show was good and my vibe was on fool (lol). in my hotel after the show i ran into
trey lewd (george clinton’s son). checking out of the hotel the next day i personally
gave props to gary (lead), lige (bass), baby payne, razor sharp (keyboard), and i
saw clip. it was very cooooool to start the year off by being close to the people who
started and are a deep part of something that is a big part of my life. i had no idea
i would see them like this so when “coincidences” like this happen its lets me know
im on the right path….
also in between all that was vegas about 6 times, san diego, laughlin, a hockey game,
art galleries, museums, a presidential library, the ocean, the moutains, an astronomy class,
a windows 2000 class, parties & clubs, strip clubs, a brothel, lunches, sushi, intimate late
night chats, the planets venus, jupiter and saturn along with the moon and lots of other
experiences i fail to remember right now…
there were also lots and lots of good people. family, friends, people i worked with,
chat partners, ex-girlfriends, girls from all over the world, cooool dudes to party with and
lots of new faces…
december 22, 2000
november 23 was my last day at the best job i have ever had.
i loved this job like a girlfriend. the people and spirit,
the technology and learning, the girls and the parties,
the building (even the furniture) and location (even the drive!!)-
Artisan Entertainment was heaven.
but i knew it was time to move on early this year and had been
making preparations for this exit. most of the career counseling
thingys say “3 years at one place and move,” it was exactly 3 years…
i call it evolution. i had learned all i could and gone as far as i could go.
i could have been complacent, stayed, been under utilized and just did
work for the $$, but thats not me. thats work. i need to feel like what im
doing is important if not the “importantest” around me. i felt so under
utilized that it physically hurt. my job is not my life so my life wasnt
miserable (i made up for this with party, learning, experience and
travel outside of my career during the last year or so…”best year of my life”)
over my 3 years at Artisan i acquired many skills and experiences.
this fattened my resume and gave me (more) confidence in my ability
vs whats out there in my industry with the current economy. skills and
experiences accumulate into growth and development. i felt i outgrew
my position. i craved more challenge and more responsibilty. not more
“work,” but to be more efficient productionwise and to produce more. i
felt my computer/technical skills wasting away, i felt stagnet. i wanted a
more active role, challenges
also, i just got tired of seeing the place. i worked with over 100 mentally
and physically attractive girls. a very large space of high quality female.
smells, sounds and personalities. female inside and out. educated, spirited,
sexy and from all over the world. many, many wonderful personalities.
there were times when i was bored or down when i would just take a
walk thru the company. co-workers in my dept called them “two hour tours.”
walking thru and randomly talking to girls actually could take that long.
spirited, intellectual conversations with so much beauty. such a sexy,
diverse spirit it would get me back up…at the company xmas party it
was good seeing all the girls, but i told a former co-worker
“i love these girls to death but i dont miss them, at least not yet”
early this summer i went to my boss and said “i want out.”
my former boss is sooo coool its hard to believe. i felt i could talk to
him like that and he would understand and act accordingly. i could trust him.
he said “you said that last year.” i laughed and said “this time for real.”
so we started making preparations…and it all went very very smoothly
my heart was totally dedicated to this job. Artisan was sacred. i never
openly critized the company, i never blasphemed it. i had the highest respect
for the people and the institution. i was there when management changed
and i helped escort people out during the layoffs. working on the compuetr
networking side, i also was the first person a lot of people met when they started
at Artisan. (a lot of people remind me of that too and it makes me feel good)
so like i said, i love Artisan like a girlfriend
but like a girlfriend, for me, when things get stale its time to go…
i walked away from the best job i have ever had in my life without a single regret.
in fact, i celebrated it. i hadnt been that excited about something in a long time.
with my growth and experience i was ready to “attack” life aggressively.
show the world what jeffery got, what he can do. as i was leaving the building
for the last time, with the excitement running my body, i said “im gonna show y’all
how to walk out a building.” it felt good…
a co-worker joked that at least at my exit interview i could vent and
complain about all my problems. during the interview HR asked if i had any. i said
“i got nothing. i am completely happy” i told her if anything i wanted to show
people how to leave a company. its not a sad time.
that was then…
“me against the world”
“watch what jeffery can do”
then reality set in…
its been 4 weeks yesterday since i officially left Artisan (i respect the place
so much that its one of the few words i always capitalize) for the last time.
i figured i’d jump right into the “job search” which is a coded term for
“jeffery taking over the world.” but that hasnt happened…
what has happened is that over the last month or so i have surrounded
myself with so much aesthetic beauty that its numbing. museums, art,
sculpture, theatre, ballet, partying, people, learning, relaxing, stretching, meditation…
the day before my surprise layoff (my last day was spose to be 12-1
but they wisely cut me loose early) i chilled at the getty and vibed works
by raphael. the day after the layoff was xgiving dinner at my sister’s house
with my mother and father. it had been a long long long time since the
4 of us had been together. my true nuclear family. there is a bond between
us four that has never been spoken of, its so deeep its instinctive and inherent.
me, mommy, daddy and laurie…and now i know why i talk so much.
my parents do not stop talking!!!!! they talked continously!!! if there is
one time i am changed or my personality altered, its with my mother
and father…i have such a deeply profound respect and owe them so
much that my judgement is blurrred at times…so i sit quietly as they talk.
spent the day there then the friday after that i took my music digital. i got a
car cd player (will burn cds from napster mp3s, no more cassettes) and i got
a safe deposit box to store my important documents and data. oh yes,
my data is so precious i backup and store it offsite. then me, my father
and my sister went to huntington memorial libray…very beautiful place
im resuming this after attending a farewell lunch for one of the girls.
it was good seeing them, and they all looked good. 4 of’em, one on either
side and two in front…anywayz, i doubt if i get back on the overly detailed
groove of thought i was on above so im stopping in mid song…
it was gonna be too detailed about how i been chillin and had a motorola
pagewriter2000 e-mail pager and took it back and got a cell phone with
my aol mail on it and all the cool stuff i been doing like the ballet
and blah blah blah–
to experience how deep the freedom really is
blah blah blah
you know what i think about sometimes?
the content of my webpage, reality and society…
one thing about society, it is consistent at times-
whether a person thinks it right or wrong, there is a set
unpublished way that society will react to an individual’s behavior.
some are laws; like what a police will do if you break a law.
some are instinctive; what a mother would do if her child is threatened.
“what’s appropriate” kinda stuff…
some are like social. a really unwritten thing. if you dont dress
right for an interview you wont get the job. there are
certain ways a person should act in certain situations and
certain things a person should or shouldn’t say. and if they do or
don’t, society will react accordingly to either counteract or
promote that behavior. im not commenting on whether thats
good or bad, im saying there is a lot you can do (to your “advantage”)
if you understand how that system works…
anywayz, i think about the content of my webpage and the fact
i present it on my resume. i think about the fact that employers
will read this and i think about what they will think.
what conclusions they may come too
i understand the limits of society’s understanding in certain areas.
i may not agree, but i understand. so i know that some issues and
topics i bring up here are considered controversial.
know what i mean?
i havent written in a long time
my experiences have been continous
im in a relaxed but stimulated state
always learning, consuming information & data
the increased exposure to art has me drawing alot,
ive kinda been studying it. ive gotten a lot of ideas on
drawing technique seeing the works of rodin & raphael.
ive been drawing alot
accelerated SPIRITUAL growth because im consuming
the data of my experiences/ learning without distraction.
able to concentrate, theorize and contemplate undisturbed
for long periods of time.
able to concentrate for long periods on whats in my life
see the tiniest details and “fix” them
these long looks at my life help me to “forsee” and plan
strategicly what i want to do in life
concentrate so long on my internal thoughts, ideas and
experiences that it becomes meditation.
i have “organized” almost everything in my life.
i used this past 4 weeks to work on my personal infrastructure;
business, family, computers, data, car, all employment details settled-
(except having a job) everything is all arranged-
most of the “fat” has been cut from my life.
my life is lean and easily manageable.
i use the same simple philosophy everywhere so decision making,
choices and judgement calls are fairly routine.
my core docturine is simple but very consistent
i dont lie about anything so i have nothing to hide,
that allows me to use the same information throughout my life.
my principles are constant so no matter where i am
i can be the same person and this greatly simplifies things.
is that why this is all coming out?
it is flowing…or am i coming out of it?
sometimes im too relaxed to sustain an understandable line of thought-
too many ideas coming too fast, kinda
this was written randomly over 2 days