may 10, 2000
when i got my baby in ’94 she had 28,000 miles on her and she was a year and a
half old. now she has 155, 000 mi but i can still remember running back to work
to show jackie my new car…i can remember getting a page in ’96 on a wide open
freeway roof off on my way to visalia to see funkadelic. i was so silly happy that
i bought and was wearing the first pair od sandals i have ever liked on my feet…
i was just plain happy silly. the page was from JPL and they offered me a job.
the jet propulsion labratory, “the people who go to the moon!” dream job and after
funkadelic that night i was going straight to vegas to meet the boys. so silly happy me
and my baby did roof off in the rain through the moutains…good places; vegas,
mexico, phoenix, san francisco…good memories of people and good music from
the power amp jackie bought me thats been under the passenger seat since 1995…
may 9, 2000
last week i found a cool 24 hour smoothie place close to da’crib, usa donuts at
burbank & kester; a good hotdog stand hot diggity dogs at sepulveda & palms
that has dollar dogs on mon & wed and hotwings that are breaded (coated
with flour before frying) and then sauced just like i like’em. did dogs and wings with
a chocolate shake 2 days in a row; and an all you can eat sushi (45 minute time limit)
place light & healthy on pico that completely blows todai (my former favorite all
you can eat sushi place) away. its a bit more pricy, but the sushi is 100 times better
than todai’s and they have a better selection of food. i also think it was last week a
co-worker turned me on to lunch at souplantation in brentwood.
lust is definitely my most favorite sin,
with gluttony and blasphemy in a dead heat for second…
may 9, 2000
just as my strong desire to learn, create & express came, it went…i sketched non-
imaginative things: structures with straight lines where no thinking was involved, so
it was more like copying- though my female figures got better & i drew my first decent
(but still very simple) hand and foot. i dwelled in repetitive work, like properly naming
my realjukebix music collection. scanning pictures. mindless stuff. i did, however, write
about a few evolved observations, scattered mental bursts and e-mails that i didn’t
send- all of which (strangely enough) im content to keep to myself…
the movie gladiator was good, i REALLY liked russell crowe as maximus and the character
he played. (ticket was $8, no student discount and junior popcorn 2.95, redvines 2.75
and large slurpee 3.35 WOW!!). i love going to the movies by myself. its just me and the
screen, no distractions. ive been known to say outloud that i like going places so much
by myself its gonna be a trip when i finally do get a girlfriend. “i’m going to new york for
a week, see ya when i get back.” it was commented back to me once that it wouldn’t
be a problem cause i will meet someone who that kinda stuff doesn’t bother. then i thought,
for her to be my “girlfriend” the acceptance of my independance is more than likely a
mandatory condition. but, you say “you will meet someone that i love so much that i will
change my ways.” meet someone that i love more than myself? ask anybody who knows
me about the possibilty of that happening…
i made a list of all the different kinds of freedoms that i have. its on my bedroom whiteboard.
physical, social, psychological, financial, etc…freedoms i am VERY proud of. freedom
to be 100% percent honest all the time. freedom to openly express and enjoy my passions…
i love my car. we’ve been together for 6 years. me and my baby went to a superbowl
together. im so comfortable in it that i drive a lot with no hands. did the venice beach
drum circle again. the freedom to ramble on about any subject or feeling that i want.
my allergies are better. always moving forward, almost everything i do contributes to
my learning, understanding and journey to where im going…
astronomy test tonight, i will get an A, no doubt…im shooting for 100%. will probably
get like 97-98%…mite do better if i can nail the extra credit question…
good vibrations that we make will come bouncing back
april 27, 2000
i believe a change in my body chemisty produced a disruption in my physical energy making me
feel down mentally and emotionally. common allergy symptoms resulted: runny stopped up nose,
sore throat, watery eyes. my karma was also thrown out of align. i didnt wanna talk to anybody.
didn’t even wanna be online for IMs. i just wanted to sleep and eat. physically off balance. went to
work tuesday just plain flat out irritable & angry for no reason. get there and my boss gave me bad
news on a career & life changing oppurtunity i was really excited about and i didnt even care. the
job i love like a girlfriend was now a bitch i couldn’t stand the sight of (just a bit dramatic maybe).
i skipped astronomy class. my car would stall while i was driving it and then not wanna start.
my money is funny. outstanding issues with major goverment agencys. my worldview was very poor.
im sure it was a change in my body’s physical energy system that affected me mentally.
all the “problems” in my life seemed so big and weighed so heavily. call it bio-rhythms, chemistry,
weather, late night out, bad food, monthly cycle, sum’n…the system needed a tune up–
i knew it would pass. i knew i would recover and be even better. i took the time to think about my
life with this unusual disposition. to see my life without all the optimism & excitement i have for my
future. it was good.
i can feel my recovery. i noticed when i wanted to be socialable with co-workers again, it felt weird.
ofcourse, i announced it. “i must be feeling better cause i feel like talking now.” today in costco, and
even though i still couldnt breathe, my spirit returned as dancing while standing in line. it felt good to
feel this way again, like it was all brand new…it came before my conscious thinking so it snuck up on
me. i guess subconscious things like this always will.
but no matter how low i went and even at my worst i still loved life.
and i really cant say that i didn’t “enjoy” the experience.
but happiness does
wishing it was, santana
april 23, 2000
after the bellagio art gallery, a very hot vegas day and 3 zero candy bars while writing the above it
was nap time. mommy and sis were already sleep (they got the beds) so i hit the rollaway cot at
about 8:30pm. woke up around 11pm, watched tv for 30 minutes, showered, dressed and hit club
rio. (im very proud i got my old and lazy ass up). the attitude girls and other scantly clad females
were dancing, singing and throwing mardi gras style necklaces to the crowd from trams that were
suspended from the ceiling and traveled all over the casino. music bumpin’ and very festive. no line,
$10 cover ($5 for girls). last time i did club rio i got very freaky and the potiential was here this night.
lots and lots of cuties of all kinds and ages, though mostly white 21-26 yrs. oppurtunity abounded, i
danced and vibed and got vibed back but put fourth no real effort, maybe im getting old or nothing
really moved and motivated me…
this club is huge, but no matter what part of the dance floor i went to there were cuties to vibe. its
been years since i actually asked someone to dance, they usually ask me. i just drink diet coke, feel
the music and vibe the folx (girls) around me. every now and then vibin’ goes to the next step, but
even if it doesn’t, im happy just dancing by a cutie who knows that im diggin the way she moves…
after a couple hours of this i decide to check out the voodoo lounge on the 51st floor. it was about
2:30am so there was no cover to grab a diet coke and check out the last two songs of the live
r&b band that was performing. the band was kinda good. since this was a lounge only a few of the
more drunker girls were dancing, most people were just cooling out like i was. the lounge has a
patio with a most beautiful view of the las vegas strip. it was gorgeous. the colors of the hotels from
up here are a very subtle & mellowish blue. the million watt light on the top of luxor and the views of
the bellagio and ceaser hotels was a very cool thing. it was chilly up there, but not cold. very nice…
the club was kinda thinning out and i really wasnt motivated until they played atomic dog. i am proud
and amazed that this 20 yr old funkadelic song can still pack the dance floor at any club. most of
these (white) kids were toddlers when this song was made but they know it and love it. it was the
most mixed and longest song that i heard. maybe too mixed, but i still got into it. i danced by
myself away from the floor and got deeply lost in the p-funk music that is mine. nothing else around
me mattered, it was just me and two decades of memories and feelings that came from hearing this
groove…after that i knew it was time to go. at 4am im on las vegas blvd in the car eating burritos and
tacos in front of a new 24hr mexican fast food place. when i get to the room sis and mom were
watching cnn cause the feds had just snatched elian, opinions were voiced…
i love the thick as lead curtains in hotel rooms. i was sure to properly close them so absolutely no
sunlight would enter the room until one of us allowed it. another easter in vegas and with elian now
safe, it was time to sleep…(a bit dramatic maybe)
i learned a lesson the easy way about shrink-wrapped sushi. hit the downtown las vegas
golden nugget snack bar, grabbed a pack of mixed sushi rolls, a m&m cookie and a diet coke
around midnight and chilled watching a typical “live” lounge act. the sushi didnt make me sick,
but the taste made me very uneasy and i didnt finish it. wont be buying too much more shrink-
wrapped sushi except from ralph’s, of all places…i was tired and sleepy after a 3 hour ride
out of santa monica to meet up with my mother and my ultra sensitive ugly little sister. ugly drove
the mercury sable we rented while listening to some kinda dectective mystery story on tape.
i went to sleep. when i woke up we were out of the city and the complete sky from horizion to
horizion was full of hundreds of stars. the back seat folded down so i was able to go in the trunk and
get my binoculars. now there were thousands of stars. then a beautiful huge full moon low and
rising behnd clouds…still tired, the vegas buzz wouldnt let me sleep so i walked around looking at
people (girls) and enjoyed the fremont street experience light show on the huge canopy covering
like a four block long part of the street between casinos. i love warm nights. then i decided to get
some sushi and chill in the lounge before bed. the discovery channel was showing the dinosaur
show and it was good enough to keep me up til 2. sis & mom was out all night gambling as usual,
its 10:30am now and im ready to get out and get sum’n…im thinking bellagio’s art gallery-
april 21, 2000
the buffet at bellagio is good. $14 and has a wide variety of foods. lots of different pastas and
noodles. super duper hi quality salads. roasted squab and game hens. come to think of it, everything
had exotic names and exotic stuff in it. not spicy, but very well flavored…with my heavy gambling
days behind me, i sat down with a 20 to kill time at a blackjack table. the amazing thing was i quit
when i got up $80. its a good feeling to be able to stop while your up. the same mentality that makes
you win also will not let you quit. on the last deal of a very lucky shoe at a full table, i made my max
bet of the day $15 and bet 5 for the dealer. my first was a face card and i snapped my fingers
exactly when she snapped down the ace. it was like my 4th blackjack and it paid 22.50. as i
grabbed my money and left the table i told the dealer i loved her. it stills fells weird to quit when
winning. but it felt damn good to pay my share of the room & car with that money. my sister still did
the usual, get up $2-300 but dont quit till your 100 down. i remember them days and they were fun.
i just got tired of loosing. im thinking club rio tonight…
april 19, 2000
got my astron 1a test back and i nailed my prediction. i got 41 out of 50 correct which is 82%.
with the curve and the one point bonus for faking the answer to the extra credit question,
i was one of the 5 out of 40 to score 90% (91%) or higher. sometimes life can be one big joyful blur…
april 15, 2000
i guess you can call this a preconceived idea. i always thought without thinking about it
that artistic ability came naturally. i never thought it was learned and practiced until you got
good at it. like drawing a face. im slowly getting better at the eyes, nose, forehead and hair.
can’t do mouth at all, so my people can’t talk yet. as i learn more features, i use them in my
drawings and the more i use them the better i get at drawing them…
at the huntington library today, i saw the whitest person i have ever seen in my life. she was
so white it made me laugh. a very soft pale milky smooth white complexion, but not albino. like
she was raised in total darkness. short blonde hair, very light blue eyes, fraily skinny, kinda cute.
and then i saw another & another. there were so many at this place that i commented to my
sister that there must be a contest going on. then we saw the winner. it wasnt a particulary sunny
day and she still had an umbrella. she was so white my sister said she was “astonishing.”
now im making an objective statement about the extreme nature of what i saw. im not saying
no-yes, up-down or good-bad. wow- it would be cool to get the black black black africans
i saw in italy together with these girls and take a picture…or better yet, make them breed
and see what we get…
april 15, 2000
im getting tired of people begging. no matter how much society’s attitude has changed
towards this stuff, its still begging. and now teenage kids candidly ask for money,
like its cool or sum’n…im killing time before the club walking around hollywood & vine
the other night and like 5 people in 3 minutes hit me up. it was to the point that there
were more beggers than beggees. the place was so saturated with beggers that they
were accidently asking each other for money…i stop at a liquor store at sherman way
and van nuys blvd to satisfy a fig newton-candybar jones and as im getting out the car i
see her coming. and this irritated me. she says “i’ll give you $5 to take me to canoga park.”
i was borderline hostile. i was like “uh…no.”
any form of pain or discomfort is a sign there is something wrong. being irritated is
discomfort and an alert that something needs to be addressed. i think it’s that i felt weird
saying “no.” feeling uncomfortable cause i dont wanna give to a complete stranger? i rarely
give them money and just do an empty pockets gesture. but no more. from now on, its gonna
be “no.” how im feeling and their approach will determine the firmness of the “no.” looking them
dead in their eyes and responding with a very firm”no” to a “no” with a smile…
yeah, i feel better about this already, thanks for listening…oh, another thing- i was more
“scared” the 15 minutes i was walking around hollywood than i was the whole week
i was solo in italy. the corner of hollywood & vine at night is creepy and seedy and icky
and has dirty begging weirdos…and ya can’t find a smoothie anywhere-
april 14, 2000
wonder if i should do the dailys oldest to newest, ya almost have to read-up to
follow the trail to certain points that i make, like this one about western
european art. it is the best and most descriptive i have ever seen. none other comes
close to the drawings, paintings and sculptures for conveying beauty and emotion….
you really cant help but feel cool riding down sunset blvd at night with the top down.
it is a trendy ride with gorgeous lights, huge billboards (there is even a billboard for the
company i work for), cars, people & at times maybe the most happening place on the
planet. i was feeling really good rollin when i thought; “have i ever been down a more
happenin’ strip?” then i thought las vegas blvd top down on a warm summer night…
i was moved by the fact that this is my life. my playground is one of the hottest & coolest
places in the world. (hottest & coolest?) i routinely do my thang in places people
dream about visiting just once. but believe me when i say, growing up in ohio this fact
does not go unappreciated…
april 14, 2000
i have a very strong desire to create. artistically and intellectually. drawing and theory.
there is so much that i want to say that the output pipe is clogged.
my last two dailys turned into scattered mental bursts so strong they became
mini-research projects and a basis for stand alone essays.
i also have a very strong desire to explore, learn and increase my understanding..
i went to LACMA. i couldn’t sleep so i was up at 4am studying american history
and the development of western civilation.
april 10, 2000
yesterday i found something that was truly unbelievably inspiring. after awaking from
an afternoon nap, i decided to take a joyride after stopping by costco and getting a
smoothie and a couple of chicken rolls (i digs smoothies, 2-3 a day, i gotta get a blender).
so im rolling past a venice beach parking lot and the guy says $7 and i say $5 bucks and he
says ok. now im not really dressed and just waking up and really didnt plan on stopping
but for $5? now im strolling down the boardwalk chillin after running into a buddy i use to
work with 10 years ago when i hear all this “drumming.” i know im dragging this out,
but the way i stumbled up on this is part of the mystique, for me anywayz…
so i check it out cause there was a lot of people and the beat was moving.
i get over there and about 30-40 people with all kinds of percussion instruments are
playing their asses off. first i figured this was a street performer act, but there were too
many and scattered too far around. then i thought this was some kinda church or cult or
something so i asked a few people. NO ONE KNEW WHAT IT WAS!!! (co-worker
called it a drum circle) folx with drums, cans, triangles, tambourines, cowbells, shakers,
everything and anything percussion!! PICTURESfolx was dancing, feeling the beat,
vibin and expressing positive energy. there was no religion or agenda. no cause or reason
and no direction.
there were so many people drumming that the rhythm and beat was very dynamic. it was
not dependant or following any one person so it would change randomly with what ever
combination of people just happen to hit the same groove. then every now and then a major
groove would develop and drive everybody.
another co-worker just confirmed that this was a drum circle and that he knew a
girl who participated in one before. im kinda glad that it has definition now.
i feared that if it was yet undefined or something completely new it could grow to be bigger
and then there would be a need for control to keep order. from there leadership, sponsorship,
rules, etc…the beauty of this whole thing is that there are no guidelines. just people coming
together. i kinda realized this will happen to anything that becomes too popular or too big…
kinda sad that the success of something can destroy it. (kinda almost sorta happened to funk)
i hoped that this stays just as it is-
and then, with the groove still going, most of us turned to face the sun as it set. people danced,
yelled and screamed with the vibe. i danced as the energy inside me and the energy and music
from the people around me came together. it all seemed to peak at the very moment the last piece
of the sun set behind the moutains, it was good…
when i go back im thinkin bells on my wrists and ankles with my sash…
april 09, 2000
god knows i love diversity and he knows i love white girls. my favorite paintings are the
“soft” 18th century european style of female…the soft flow, coloring, complexions, etc.
but yesterday while enjoying the artwork at the norton simon museum in pasadena,
it hit me that ALL the paintings are of white people. then i realized that 99.9% of the
“fine” art ive seen is of white people. then i realized that once again i was the only black
person in the joint. why is it that most of the places i like to go i am the only black person?
the museums, the plays, concerts, traveling…98% white. where are all the black people?
looking thru my events, maybe 3 events in the last 3 years was predominantly black. is it me??
im not complaining but its like this; i love pizza but i dont want to eat it everyday. i crave
diversity and the dominance of any one thing gets old after awhile (even being happy!!
sometimes my energy & being happy ALL the time can be irritating, imagine that)
then i thought; is there any “fine art” that is non-white? or is fine art defined as something that was
created by and for rich white people? or could it be that the paintings and sculpture that i like so
much is something exclusively from the white culture? im just asking questions…i want to see
gorgeous paintings of females of all kinds, not just white ones…i was looking at a painting
in which cleopatra was painted as a soft pale white slightly overweight white women.
first i laughed, then it wasn’t funny. and im not even gonna go into the typical jesus being a pale
white rosey cheeked anglo…
after the museum i came home and watched the movie stigmata. i got all excited when
they showed an aerial shot of st peter’s basicilica and then some of the inside. oh the
memories…the movie dealt with the gospel of st thomas and a vatican plot to suppress
its content. the text is supposed to be the only gospel in the words of jesus and it basically
said that the power is in god, not the church…its widely known that hundreds of gospels
had been written (primary form of info exchange of the time) but only a few were used in
the bible. jesus wrote none of them or anything in the bible. though it is believed he read
the old testament. he also never said he was god, but all thats another webpage for another
april 07, 2000
placeholder daily. imagine that, me with nothing to say. dim sum today.
been listening to moocheeba’s first cd alot. i want to do more comedy in
these dailys. oh, here’s sum’n- i want to hoop at venice beach. basketball
is one of the few things i haven’t confidently mastered. i think venice beach
has the highest level, highest profile walk-on basketball games in LA. them
boys play rough and talk a lotta shit and i wanna see if i can hang…