Dailys 2014-12-18

20141126_130903doing anything but eating. well not any thing. playing with my music. going back to work and my mixing sessions on the commute got me back into it. i haven’t eaten after work this week, i dont think. been going to bed hungry. subway got 3 of their 12 inch sandwiches on sale for $4.36. i’ve had the meatball marianara, the veggie and today the cold cut sandwich. spending money like that for lunch aint bad if thats all i spend for the day on food. oh yeah ate a small pack of some kind of gummy candy today. in the lobby at work is a bowl of apples i usually grab one of each day but not today. have been only drinking water, not even my diluted fruit drinks.

weight gain season in full effect im doing well. stopped smoking them black and milds AND have controlled my eating habits. “habits” is the key word here as in the habit of doing something to or for the body to stimulate it. scale said 229.6 today which is damn good considering my recent fried chicken, potato ships and bread- oh god the bread was soooooooo good binges.

i mean overall im very satisfied. im doing exactly what i want and have realized i am where i am because thats what i wanted. not too many things happen to me that i dont ask for. very very few and it may not be in words but in deeds. and its good because ive come to be and act as i feel. i dont lie or hide anything. sure i dont go broadcasting every drop of my business all over but i do blast how i feel and what im feeling very freely. i cherish my ability and freedom to do that. and i mean a lot. a very lot lot..

i probably worked hard to get where i am. and i say probably because i enjoyed it so it really didnt seem like work. i feel ive earned the position in life i have and for whatever reason im very proud of where i am and what i do. it may not be much in comparison but its EXACTLY where and what i want. this changes and the new job i have plays a large part. and its not so much the job, but the career and resume ive built to go out and get a job like that. that plays a big part in how i see my station in life.

my Steelers are doing they thing, if they win this week we are in the playoffs. im getting regular doses of proper funk music played right and am even producing music and developing the skills to make better funk music. the idea of comparing “being in love with what i do vs being in love with who i do” came into my head last week. definitely a song in there. i love that in love feeling and have learned to use it to be not just happy but productive. years ago i figured out a way to be “in love” with life and get that feeling without being dependant on the whims or availability of another person. dont get me wrong there is nothing better than being in love with another person that is about the highest you can get. but it aint easy and it comes with responsibilities and pressures and it takes a certain amount of work. not that this work aint rewarding in itself and not that the ups and downs dont add to the excitement, but….

there are moments when im alone where it feels like absolute perfection. a contentment so deep its hard for me to think anything can rival it. but there are also moments when i long for companionship, and maybe just in a very temporary and immediate sense with the idea of a longevity. the idea it will last must be there even if i know in 20 minutes im gonna wanna get out of it.

  •  and go back to my apartment and be alone for like whole weekends at a time. not seeing another human being face to face or even venturing outside my one bedroom spot.
     then turn on a dime and take it to a club or concert and turn it out walking around completely freely uninhibitedly expressing and absorbing sensitive yet projecting
  •  working and public transiting i get plenty of social interaction and exchanges not to mention via the social medias and online and of course the funky things i do when the music gets turned up to dance my way out of any constrictions
  •  closing my eyes and that dance i do alone oh how the music moves me

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