worked til midnight last night and had to be back in the chair at 11:30am, so i didn’t get my usual extended hours of sleep. maybe that with a gloomyish day here in L.A. had me in a very less than excited mood compared to yesterday. assessing the situation later i felt i am happy, just not so excited. so i’m walking to work and on the corner was a girl giving out some kind of handouts and she had her happy bubbly turned up as she should. for a few microseconds i was annoyed by her what seemed to be out of place energetic energy. as i walked by i semi-smiled and told her “you too happy.” she smiled and laughed.
after my happy tirade yesterday this really made me think. my first thought was how much i love that life will ALWAYS keep me thinking and NEVER be figured out. no matter what, the interaction of life, with humans, my own understanding and consciousness is continuously gonna throw a curve ball at me. and i think that such a wonderful thing.
soooooo then i knew i had to explore my very slightly and probably mostly playful annoyance of this person’s happy. one of the points of my happy expose yesterday was that there were times i craved to be physically alone to uninhibitedly express my happiness. and somewhere in the back of my mind i may have felt that it’s other people who have an “issue” not being able to “handle” my bright happiness at times. but i can honestly say that i did not directly take my exploration that far to place “fault” either way.
as i told the girl she was too happy an older guy overheard and he very smoothly agreed with me. we had a good chuckle in the acknowledgment that he got what i meant. now i wasn’t really irritated and when i paused to interpret my minor annoyance it made me laugh. it was like the seed of one of many feelings spanning the range of emotion that i could have had at that time. and that particular one got noticed. and that seed was not really how i felt. if asked to verbalize my current mood in that situation i could not have said that she was irritating or annoying with a straight face. yet it was a most beautiful moment for sarcasm. and maybe sarcasm would have been the very best way to explain what i was really feeling. a playful kind of grumpy.
maybe in that mood i didn’t want to smile. i didn’t want to be excited. i just wanted to be. excited energy has its place and at that time it wasn’t the place for me. being human is an ebb and flow. ya’ can’t be super excited all the time nor should you be. recognizing moderate mood swings as part of life. it ain’t the end of the world if i don’t feel like doing cartwheels 24/7. sounds simple and evident doesn’t it? yeah maybe, but having direct personal experience of things ultra evident as a reminder is a treasurable gift of conscious awareness.