at work. 4am start time. alone. early as usually. wondering if there is food in the kitchen. ’bout to go check. pizza last week so its probably sandwiches. construction on the 101 so there was a traffic delay. it kind of aggravated me, even though i was safely early. 2nd consecutive time i was irritated by traffic. and it was traffic that is expected and it still got to me. i’m not use to being gotten to by anything. sandwiches. “but” the good kind. i put fancy mustard on them. and got a fanta orange. to go with my peanuts. did i tell you my glasses broke? yeah, a couple days ago. using duct tape is semi-effective. damn this orange soda is damn damn good. so is the fancy mustard. and the croissant bread. my belly good. my belly really really good. fighting the food high

i just flat out feel good. not excited, no so much happy, i just feel good. not that i’m not happy, this is a different kind of good feeling. the “bad”stuff that goes on in the world doesn’t bother me. i’m a glass half full person. i know that for the amount of negative things reported no matter how horrific and sensationalized, 1000x more good things happen that simply are not newsworthy because of what news has evolved to. in fact, a happy news program would not only be boring it would irritate me at a certain point. as i think anything too goody goody irritates me.

i have even tried to write happy song lyrics and all good happy stories and it just doesnt work for me. too sappy or something. no bite. no edges

though im not not happy, i cant say that im happy. happy to me is vibrating above a normalish emotional idle. and thats where i am at now. i feel good and am happy, but im not happy. LOL or something like that. maybe i should google the definition of happy. im thinking happy = excited. and quite possibly happy could be applied to a content person’s mood as well

i mean i’ve been on sober super emotional highs having anticipated and participated in many of my life long passions. capability in accomplishing is major. the reward from effort and the realization of achieving a “dream.” is there a greater feeling? sure there is that “in love” feeling but that carries a dependence and with that you willfully (or not) give up a portion of freedom while taking on responsibility.

ive been there too having been in love more than several times and each time there were freedoms forfeited. in my case this may have doomed any relationship i have ever had from the start, BUT going in my heart had me in it to win it for life. that freedom is important to me. and its not to mess around with other girls or sex with other people or about friendships- well maybe about friendships but for me its always been more about expressing whatever the fuck i want to however i want to. you can’t do that in a relationship. hell i wouldn’t even be writing like this now if i was in one, and i REALLY like writing like this. i feel i have a freedom to say what and how-ever kind of imaginative crazy that i desire. be imaginative crazy and not have to explain, defend or clarify anything to anyone. this frees my creativity to think up that next WTF thing.

also with my openly opinionated ideas an alliance with me could be a disability. free from any organization or partnerships im free from “behavior unbecoming” for the most part. say for example you get comp tickets to a show and then you go out and blog how terrible you thought that show was. of course if the show was bad but the point is to have the freedom and flexibility to say that while not getting any partner or associate in trouble or have them suffer the consequences of my very opinionated opinion.

that literally happen to me and the best working business relationship i may have ever had with another human being. sure i was getting “on the list” consistently BUT i was putting in major work for that honor. i mean hours and hours and $$$ invested in exchange to get down like that on that level and i thought this win win. i felt it mutually beneficial for a long long time. but there came a time where i had to be outspoken in a negative way towards the hand that fed the hand that fed me. LOL and i remember going thru the process fully understanding what the consequences would be for me and for my associate. ive had many many contracts terminated in the past so i know when they are coming and i usually am the one that instigates the endings anyways.

i remember after writing that rant sitting there unable to press “publish” for a long time. hell i think i even saved the article as a draft for a couple days before i did, russian sunshine said to me “no more free tickets for you” when she read it. i was like yeah, i know. but i had a job and could afford to buy my own (kinda) at this point. but i couldn’t not write it as that is how i very very strongly felt. i simply had to do it.

once thru the painful separation process the freedom was euphoric and i exploded creatively. (i can think of at least 4 other recent situations that i can say that about)