Its hot on the bus. I guess it should be though its only 745am, it is all but summer in southern california. Im sweating. It feels good to be going back to work, to be back into the mix of everyday city life. This contract was suspended for 3 weeks and im returning today. And im ready!
My 50th birthday was 2 weeks ago and i celebrated it the best way i knew how without even knowing it. Yeah i was thinking about doing something special like a big party, etc etc. But maybe subconsciously i put myself in a position to do what i always do on my birthday. And that is be alone in a deep solitude. As i wallowed alone in sloth it struck me that if i could be doing anything i wanted for my birthday i would be probably be doing exactly what i was doing.
Sure my “excuse” was that i was broke and not capable financially of doing anything. This helped to relieve me of any pressure. Not having money is one thing, feeling or being broke is another. When i feel broke i dont feel like doing nothing. Ive travelled across the country before with no money, that was different cause i didnt feel broke. When i feel my safety and security are threatened cause i dont see a way to maintain due to a lack of income its hard to party and celebrate until i figure a way it can be done. Its about faith. Seeing a way and having a belief that everything will be ok. That may be the difference in being or feeling broke and just not having any money, optimism.
So i let go. Some people might call it leaving it in god’s hands. I told myself (whether it was true or not) that everything would be ok, the universe will take care of me as it always had.
(The universe as a system, not the physical aspect or actions of it. My universe is a system i have created around me that consists of my assets, energy, people, knowledge and the etc that i live within as i go thru life. I dont see the universe as something that does things but as a lifestyle that involves a karma like situation along with safety nets that i have built through my interactions with the universe)
Ok, my stop is coming up. Im going to
So after the deepest most divine solitude i have ever experienced in my life i really cant think of