DAILYS: February 28, 2003

the example me

february 18, 2003
saturday i participated in the anti war march / rally in hollywood. i have never seen a more diverse crowd. i have never seen more creativity and wit. hundreds of very clever signs, displays, costumes, demonstrations, etc. in every diretion i looked was something different and interesting regarding the war.

(note the puff of smoke made from cotton)

waiting for the march to begin was a sound truck playing music. the music was funky hip-hop. public enemy, kres one and some political funk rock with groove. all the music had groove and i was bobbin my head to the beat and letting the crowd see and feel me. i was constantly looking around absorbing and enjoying the crowds energy.

though the crowd was extremely diverse and there were more black males (i dont remember many black females as i think of it) than usual, i still was a very small minority. i was there vibing the funky groove when a krs-one lyric made mention to the greatness of the black man. he may have eluded to something like “a black man shall lead them.” the dj was non-black. the rally leaders on the truck doing chants were non-black. but the music was black.

it may mean nothing and it may be all within my own mind. but it seems to happen alot where i am the only black person in a crowd listening to music that celebrates blackness. maybe its cause its black history month, i dont know. but oh how it makes me feel to be a black male in these times.

february 10, 2003
the other day as i was moving stuff into my new apartment (yes, giving up the “mobile” high flying no-rent life), i thought about the consequences of my experiences. here i am, a 40 year old man moving his stuff by car like a college kid. i thought, how many 40 year olds still do stuff like this. how many people get so “mature” (i hate that word) or rich or refined that they are above normal everyday experience. i thought how cool it is that i can ride a greyhound bus across country, party in a club or go to an art gallery or broadway play. i can hang in the hood or beverly hills. this made me think of older white males who may be limited in where they can go and fit in.

sure i can’t go everywhere, and there are places an older conservative looking white male can go and fit in where i cant. but there were a lot of places and cool things to do where you dont see any of the older white males im thinking of. sure they can go, but they would lool out of place. maybe i also look out of place, but at least sometimes i see people of my demographic in the house.

i know i aint prolly saying this right and i dont care that im not. i just feel like talking. i had a good relaxing weekend in my new place. sure i was diggin the fast mobile life, but having a space that i am totally in control of where i can do whatever i want in total privacy has its perks. all my furniture is in storage and i might leave it there. the living room is completely empty and i like it. cable/high speed internet was installed saturday and charter communications has a much better package than adelphia. (better programming guide (picture in picture) and seems to have better channels). but thats not the point i was trying to make. the point was how good it felt to have my own space. a space where i could just lie down without any disturbances of anykind. a place i can control.

one negative thing about the mobile life being in and out of folx houses is that its their houses. so you have no true privacy. i would get hotels when i needed space. but in my own place i caught myself more than once just sitting in quiet and darkness. and so enjoying it. yesterday i didnt leave my apt at all. all i had to eat was dinner rolls, doritos and 3 potatoes that i french fried. i didnt feel like leaving more than i felt like eating decent food. i slepted and watched tv and slepted all day. and it was good.

i watched “the state of the black church” on c-span which was very, very good. good intelligent dialogue delievered the way only black people can. the panelists were made up of pastors and reverends so every time they talked they preached. i so love black people and our ways. i also watched on discovery channel “before we ruled the earth” which wasa documentry about hominids ascent up the food chain. i also watched the movie love and betrayal on fox movies about woody allen and mia farrows life. this was really good i guess cause it was a true life story and didnt follow the usual tv movie plot and predictability. there were many twists and things that didnt stick to a story or have no determined moral message. in this movie the character playing woody made a comment like “how much life can you experience living in a penthouse apt.” and thats my original point.

i can ride the city bus, i can hoop at the local playground. i can experience many different aspects of life. i am still in the mix. im still involved in the day to day stuff that makes living life. im not above living life, but i am above most of life’s bullshit. i have raised myself on certain levels but not to high that im not in touch with living.

february 7, 2003

on sunset blvd there is a fairly big billboard that reads;

      future
black history month

imagine that same sign;

      future
white history month

a promotion of white history or of anything relating to and/or glorifying the caucasian race is forbidden.

january 30, 2003
it is impossible for there to be a place better than earth for human beings (and maybe all life). and thats cause we evolved and developed in the sun/earth environment. we see the color yellow the best cause its the primary color (wavelength of light) the sun emits. we breathe an oxygen atmosphere cause thats what we evolved and developed to breathe. oxygen and air was not put here because we needed it to breathe, we learned to breathe it cause it was here. gravity, temperature, night/day cycle, seasons, water, etc etc. all these things and everything we know is deeply rooted in us becuase of millions of years of evolution in this environment.

so when we travel to other planets and places and try to establish colonies there we will try to make them exactly like earth. its because of the way we were designed there can be no place better than here for carbon-based life.

so all this talk of heaven being a better place i find disrespectful to the earth,
which is our true and only home.

life is good
if your’s ain’t, its broke-
fix it like you would your car

the june 10, 1997 daily

january 21, 2003
more and more and more im believing that humans (and maybe all life) are creatures of function. i think we all need a function to perform or a goal to attain. maybe the struggle to attain the goal is essential to human happiness. after all, you cant have extasy without desire. to achieve the highest levels of pleasure a person must crave and/or have a need or void to be filled. the deeper the void, the higher the pleasure when filled.

and i dont think i mean the need for accomplishment and the good feeling that comes from accomplishing or building something. im talking about fulfilling internal desire. it could be that internal desire is the motivation that keeps us going. the deisre for food, shelter, safety. once these needs are obtained and are secure our desires evolve to other less “necessary” things. it could be that internal drive or that desire that makes life. we are complex creatures who evolved from many different individual “life parts” that perform a function. early in our evolution the need was survival. now that we are at the top of the food chain, for a lot of us mere survival isnt a worry anymore.

i spent this past weekend in las vegas all alone, but all my needs were met. i had no desire to have anything i wasnt already getting. i was stimulated proper in every way. after about a full day of this, i became extremely lazy physically and mentally. i went to a really “hot” concert with lots of gorgeous females but i had no motivation. ive been to many concerts in vegas before so that thrill was minimized. i just kinda waded through the enjoyment.

i believe that abuse is inevitable after all goals are attained. what is a human being who has all his desires met? where does his motivation come from? im sure ive written about this before, but more and more this kind of complacency is becoming a part of my life. life is sooooo easy, there is no struggle for me so its almost as if everything is mundane. like im at the point where everything is good and fun so i expect a constant level of happiness and pleasure. what happens when nothing makes you happy? when everything is ordinary? been there, done that and got it all figured out. where do you go? what do you do?

hmmmmmm. maybe, just nmaybe this is the “more” that heaven can possibly be. ofcoursei believe not in heaven, but like to pose the question “what more can heaven possibly be?” before this last weekend in my excitement i came up with the idea of “fuck heaven.” how dare anyone say there is a place better than my earth? what kind of person would belittle the environment that created them? fuck heaven, life on earth is where its at. but as i write, im thinking believers could use this as an argument for the belief in heaven being something more than earth can be. cause if all a person’s earthly desires are met, he must look elsewhere for stimulation.

january 15, 2003
the use of make-up in america (and maybe elsewhere in western civilization) is so out of control its wrong. woman use so much that they dont even look like their natural selves anymore. in fact, the use of make-up is so widespread that a woman who goes natural without make-up now looks un-natural. we have grown so use to seeing a female’s face made up that when they are not (when they are natural) it may appear abnormal and maybe ugly to us. lipstick, eyeliner, blush, mascara, etc- it is a multi-billion dollar industry that has gone too far. its almost like we dont know what a natural female looks like anymore.

some females get to the point psychologically that they cant go out in public without it. a psychological dependence.

happy birthday kimberly!!!!

january 13, 2003
sitting in a movie theatre and being maybe the only black male in that theatre, i was struck by the previews before the feature film. the first preview was for an upcoming jim carey movie that starts out in a pristine white setting and pans to morgan freeman in a pristine white suit. he is playing god. in the preview right after that delray lindo played a eccentric scientist who had built a machine that could basically save the earth. i thought to myself how good it is to be black right now.

i strolled into the place at my own slow pace, taking my time. not so much trying to be cool, but ultimately relaxed. looking people in the face, not afraid to shy away from noticing people around me. i walk as if i am the dominant creature.

then i get into the place and my demographic, black american male, is portrayed as god and a person that can save the earth. i had been thinking earlier how the white male seems to be not favorably portrayed in commercials and media. it seems that in more than one instance he is seen as weak and then being saved by a white female. i havent noticed too many times when a white male is portrayed favorably, and many times when the black male may be imaged too favorably.

i thought before how do black people in one part of the country act just like black people in another part of the country. what do they have in common? i thought tv, movies, media. i thought of the black male who comes and liberates a stiff white establishment with his cool relaxedness, ala eddie murphy in beverly hills cop. i wondered if the images in tv helped to create or mold the black american male (and also the other demographics).

last summer i was in cleveland standing in line at a p-funk show where this black male panhandler/ street performer/beggar was “terrorizing” the white couple ahead of me. i thought, why do i see this almost everywhere? why does the same type of black male in los angeles have this same type of “occupation?” why so i see so many black male homeless people on the streets soliciting? i see some whites, but no where near as many. is it that black males even at the homeless level are getting priveledge treatment? seems every city i go to, i see black male homelessinterfacing with the public. in san francisco, the contrast of scruffy homeless black male and young squeaky clean white kids was very noticable.

i need to exercise. i’vehad my eating pretty much under control since dec 6, so now i need to exercise.

january 11, 2003
its 7:18am pst on saturday morning and i been up since 5:30am. me beloved pittsburgh steelers play the tennesse titans today in a playoff game in about 6 hours. i so love the pittsburgh steelers.
im too excited to sleep…

as i sat in the 35er last sunday watching my team loosing and preparing myself emotionally for a loss and being knocked out of the playoffs, i felt the strong emotional energy inside of me. i could feel, experience and enjoy feeling this emotional intensity. thats when i thought how good it was to have something that motivates and charges me up like this. to have something that can stimulate me to give my full undivided attention too. even in the heaviness of my team loosing i found pleasure. is this not heaven?

humans and other life have developed mechanisms that can produce energy from thought, sight and external events. our bodies can react and produce chemicals that produce physical energy from outside stimulations as simple as seeing something or thinking about something. somebody said we are conscious energy.

*

i was riding home when i saw two late teenage white girls in a truck. they seemed the mid to upper  middle class slightly refined type. the passenger was ever so slightly bouncing to a beat. i turned my music down and rolled down my window to hear the music they were listening too. it was hardcore radio rap. i smiled and laughed. i heard the driver say to her “you’re so hardcore” in that soft caucasian white girl way. she saw or heard me laugh and then said something like “look, even he is laughing at you.” then they pulled away into a lane i couldnt see them. i wish i had a chance to tell the girl that it wasnt about the music, that it was about the beat and that she was almost on beat. she had a nice teeny weeny little bounce that was ever so close to being in proper time to the music and i thought to myself that this is the important thing, not the content of the music. i wish i could have told her that…

so survive you have to do business with the prevailing socio-economic system. this system is dominated by caucasian standards, but influenced by many other cultures and races. democracy, religion, capitalism, schools, sex, love and basically how a person should act and what a person should be. to get food, education, medical care, entertainment or whatever, you must adhere to the rules of the system. you must have income or generate commerce and to do this you must interface and to do this you must follow the protocol set by the system. simple things such as wearing the “right” clothes, what you eat, how you do your hair.

smaller cultures are diluted by this interaction. where ever black people interface with white, the black culture is changed forever more so than the white. as i laid in bed this early morning i thought how the economic system can or will destroy cultures. just for countries to eat, they will have to accept “our” ways. “ours” is the american/western system of which i am so much a part that i know nothing else. its hard for me to imagine other systems ive lived so deeply in this one.

i thought of the black people back in youngstown who have limited exposure to  white people and the things and habits that remain intact within their culture.

there aint a drop of soul on soul train. there may not be any real black people on the show and most of the dancers aint even on beat. watching i was disgusted. that aint dancin. and you know its real when even the sexy cuties be bugging ya…

*

it seems white people have a hard time just chilling. there are always speeding to someplace or worrying or feeling guilty. a girl friend of mine who is a white black girl (a black girl with more white ways than black) told me once that she never just gets in her car and drive without destination. never. driving it seems white people are always tailgating and riding in bunches. that irritates me. there are usually 4 car lengths of empty space between me and the car in front of me. i look to the next lane and there will be 6 cars bunched up in the same space.

when im chillin out and about and i see somebody walkin in slow chill mode, it is usually another black male who is solo. most of the white people seem to always be in a hurry.  it use to be said that black people were lazy, shiftless and undetermined. as i look at it, from the perspective of white people, maybe they were!! i believe white people evolved in an environment that made them always working to survive. less frolickly. i bet they even laughed and played a lot less. where black people evolved in warmer climates were life is easy and there was a lot of playing and there was no real need to be focused on anything intensely.

i think it was joseph campbell talking about black elk’s comments on the white man. he said that white people were always running around trying to do something. thinking with there heads and not with there hearts. i believe i can still see this in some parts of the white american culture.

*

it is easier to believe than to understand. you can believe in something in hours, but to truly understand it may take years. thats why religion and god works. no study, dedication or work needed. no intellectual capacity. just believe that god made everything (no study of astronomy, physics or any sciences) and believe that he will provide and protect you. and then when you die you go to heaven (no real death, do not have to face the true mortality) much much easier than years of research to reach a proper understanding of the way things work. and that when you die, thats it. there is no more. this also relieves a person of the pressure of the importance of living a life in earth. a person who believes in dieing then going to heaven doesnt have to do big things in this life. he doesnt even ahve to enjoy this life under the promise that a better life is to come. he doesnt have to accomplish cause he believes his reward is in heaven after this life ends. almost like this life dont count so there is no real urgency to be all a person can be, cause there is a god in a heaven after who will make it all better when this is over.

*

 im thinking about writing a book. that is one way i can make a record of the work ive done here. and maybe even make some $$ that i would use to research, travel and document.

january 2, 2003
it seems i’ve gotten away from expressing myself here. my life over the last few months has been dynamic but good. im living the life i believe i want to live. i say “believe” cause its still new and im still experimenting and developing it.

i have posted opinion that i felt deep and extraordinary to other forums and then reposted them here. maybe this other forum gave me motivation and/or something to “write at.” after all, there is a good chance these dailys started as something for me to express directly at, and this seems to make organizing thoughts and ideas easier, anywayz….

i am definitely changing.

the “experimental” part of my life is what i call being mobile. i use to say awhile back i want my empire to be mobile. my official residence is my mother’s, but im only there on the weekends (sometimes). i stay between my mom’s, sister’s, cousin’s and hotels. every friday when i leave work, i have in my car all my clothes and stuff and the freedom to go anywhere i want. i like the idea of not knowing where i’ll be sleeping on any given night.

i hit decent inexpensive motels and ive found a few good ones. i dont do the fleabag dives, usually im at a motel 6 or a super 8 for $40 to $60 a night. and the more i do this, the better i am at it. my system is always improving. ive ran all the numbers in my budget and for what i get, it is very economical. i have portable internet access so not only can i make reservations on the fly (and get special internet rates) but also have internet access in the rooms. most rooms have cable, some with more channels than others. with my cell phone im always reachable. this is the life im living right now.

i also found that when staying at different places like this, i eat less. the newness and excitement of unfamiliar surroundings seems to keep me from being bored and then eating. i also have the experience of different places, people and situations. like my last stay in buena park, very refreshing experience. its all about experience.

since i have internet access, i can research, study, write and document on the fly. i carry a notebook full of notes to remind me of my experiences. there are so many events in my life that i often forget them unless i write them down soon after they happen. over the last few months my experiences have been so many that i could not document them until weeks later.

events rich in personal experience. experience that i am constantly learning from. travel, people, sensation, etc etc…

i felt no desire to celebrate the holidays. it was just like any other day almost. maybe it was cause i only had one day off for xmas and new years, then back to work. or maybe its i see bigger issues or better things to celebrate. all i wanted to do for new years was to be alone and enjoy the time by myself. it is by myself where i can do whatever i want. i dont have to compromise or make adjustments for another person. i can dwell in my mind on any subject i want for as long as i want undisturbed, without giving my attention to another person. so far there is nothing that another person can give or do for me that is better than this. i am most happy experiencing and enjoying life and myself.

my understanding is constantly expanding and growing. and what amazes me is that all the data and info i take in fits into my philosophy. i read stuff ive written years ago and it still holds true. i have written a lot of stuff on a lot of subjects with severe opinion. and when i read stuff ive written years ago, it still holds true and i am still in agreement with it. i believe this to be a testimony to the accuracy of my philosophy. i also believe my success and my personal happiness is a testimony to the accuracy of my beliefs.

ive also created webpages in which i hope to express opinion and document accumulated data and research. america &rhythm. i have created and moved subjects around and into other websites of mine in an attempt to cover every subject that i feel needs covering. then i have them interlinked with each other so when i refer to religion i know what area of what site its at. this works beautifully within my philosophy cause the same data is used. the information is consistent throughout the philosophy.

so now im living in a world that i have a strong understanding of. i live not so much aggressively as much dynamicly. i am constantly learning and this learning continues to fuel my confidence in what i believe. i worry sometimes cause i dont encounter that many things that i dont understand or isnt explained by my philosophy or understanding. human behavior, science, social, poilitical events- i can explain and understand so much of it that life is easy. i know how to get whatever i want. with this understanding i have the ability to communicate with almost anyone. i can easily communicate my feelings and desires to people so that they understand and are sympathetic to my needs. im not saying they fall over for whatever i want, but they grasp my true desire and intent. and since my desires are almost always positive with good intent, they assisted me in attaining them.

my understanding of life makes living life on earth a heaven. its almost as if iom above it all. i watch a lot of educational and science tv and am constantly taking notes and learning from tv. one of the things i absorbed was joseph campbell on pbs. one thing he said that hit home was

another big development for me is a growing irritation by white people. not all of them, but most. going to clubs the no rhythm thing has REALLY been bugging me lately. everywhere i go all i see is white people and white people’s ways. im talking about the plain, dull, always apologizing white people. the ones that seem scared of everything and are always following. the ones that fire off “im sorry” before anything is done. and as my sister points out, gwenyth paltrow is one of them skinny white girls i stereotypically “hate.” (actually, i don’t hate anything) the flat chested, no ass white girls i was so in love with not so long ago i have a disdain for. yes, the walking pencils. so when i see a black female with healthy weight and a good proportion of muscle mass i almost cry. i love black people and our ways and if you think people are all the same, you are wrong.

maybe im irritated by the constant fear that white people seem to have. fear and guilt. and war and homosexual pedophile priests, etc, etc. there are issues i see certain groups of white people having that i cant imagine a group of black people letting become a problem.

i went bowling the other day and they had music playin. i was dancing to it as i bowled and just being free and expressive. so i go to pay and i tell the guy at the cashier that they were playing unedited music (using words like shit, fuck, etc).  i told him i wasnt complaing, just that he might wanna know. he said, without any provoking from me, that its only the white people who complain. i chuckled. he then went on to say, and i quote “i hate white people.” i laughed. he was white and went on to say he was itallian and i think he said he denounces the irish part of his heritage. also while bowling a little suburban white kid was bowling next to me. the screenname he used for bowling was “homie g.” this little scrawny white kid wanted to be “homie g.” white people are diluting our culture. just as we are integrating and influencing theirs. but the overwhelming numbers of white people and their tendency to water down and make plain whatever they touch may worry me.

so as i rode to work this morning, feeling really really good as usual, i thought that i will make an effort to get back to expressing my thoughts here. i have had a lot of thoughts and ideas that i feel are ground-breaking and enlightening. whether they are or not, the fact that i think they are is the point. true or false, believing i am capable of coming up with ideas that will someday change the world has to be a good thing for me. like i say, imagine even just thinking you have a higher understanding than anyone. whether it be true or not, just believing it makes me a different person. if i dont think i am, then i cant be. first thing that has to happen is that i must believe it. more and more and more im starting too.

things continue to happen to me where i cant deny that something above ordinary is going on with me. it would be a lie for me to say i have a normal life, that i am not somehow above all the normal bullshit most folx have to live thru. i see the simple things of everyday life kick people’s ass up and down the street, and these same things cannot touch me. its like there is a double standard for me vs other people where i have the advantage. my experience and understanding gives me some kind  of an unfair advantage in life. life is not fair and thats the way i like it, so there is no such thing as “unfair.” though there are people and situations where i clearly “hold back” as not to make the less experienced with less understanding not feel so bad.