mr. scale told me 212.0 this morning for which i was very grateful being “only” 3 pounds up after the levels of indulgence i attained over the last 3 days.
and let’s be real, this whole friggin’ summer has been one long sublime blur. it’s been too good for too long. i feel myself gettin’ soft and loosing my edge, especially at work. mentally and physically sloshy, not so much lazy as my brain and body are sharp, active and keeping things moving. i feel like i need to grind, put in some work and effort that “hurts” besides sleeping in airports and going to work with minimal sleep. and even that is after supremely divine soul fulfilling adventure. i’m leery of a type of spoiledness and spending too much money to have a level of “quality” in certain things that just a few years ago i couldn’t have cared less about. getting tickets to the Steeler game i more than just have a preferred section to sit, at this point it’s mandatory. and i laid in bed saturday morning and dropped $$$ for that seat. 4th row behind the Steeler bench, 43 yard line. it was like i had no other choice. sure i can afford it but that doesn’t “justify” (this is ALL subjective me about how i feel about me) it for me.
i may be being hard on myself as i often am when i stop to summarize and re-evaluate every part of my life. because over the years the research and work to “justify” any such entertainment or travel expenditure has already been done. i knew the value of that seat and i knew it was the most best one to have that was available. the thing is i probably knew i was going to get it basically no matter the cost. that’s the part that alerts me. sure i had the best time and was part of something spectacular, rewarding celebrating on the highest levels. i met devout Steeler fans who had never been to a Steeler game so lit up with energy it was exciting and inspiring. thousands and thousands of us. beautiful stadium on a gorgeous night. under the lights with everybody watching on tv. Steeler Nation showed out and to be a part of that is probably somewhat priceless. so who is to say how much $$$ is too much?
ok let’s say it’s not about the $$$. what long term affect will continuously having these kind of experiences have on me in the long run. how will i be changed? 2 days before i had the deep experience of Morcheeba, yet another deep deep passion of mine. front row right there smack dab in it.
anyhow the point being i’m tightening things up at work. i no longer have my laptop out and i will be more focused. i know, i know ive said this before and recently. but i mean it this time, i promise. to show you how serious i am i scoured and cleaned my shower yesterday. might not sound like a big deal but for me it’s an inspirational move. not that my place is a mess or even that anything is out of order. my life is 90% organized and right where i want it. and i say 90% purely out of the humility i have for life. life will slap you back if you get too too cocky with it. all is in order and maybe the long term affect of my current lifestyle is that i “have” to go higher. like a drug you need more and more. the what’s next has to be bigger, better, faster and stronger. more, more more. i got some more more more scheduled and thank the universe november is a 3 payday month.
i do have a concern about getting so far out there that i can’t come back or something like that. say you have developed deep passions for certain experiences. being rewarded by these passions is on the scale of a religious experience. i may not believe in any God but faith is real and it works. as far as feeling it goes it’s on the level of love. now say you are able to have deep experience with these passions routinely. say almost continuously. your body grows accustom to this rush of chemicals and heightened stimulation. you don’t necessarily crave it but at the least the attraction is so strong it alters your judgement. the pleasure also can make you passive and lazy. sometimes i’m out there and i’m high. or on a high, a natural one. and it is seductive and sedating. factor in i have zero stress and enjoy my every waking moment things become a blur. i may have taught myself to achieve this as i remember reading up on Buddhist and other philosophies of the mind and the ways to nirvana. of course i stayed steady for decades putting in the tactical work keeping my career, credit and reputation clean so i was always able to get a job and support myself comfortably. so i can be sitting in my apartment surrounded by the toys and equipment i’ve always wanted (devices and technology i use to create and distribute my thoughts and opinion all over the world) and i can reflect on past and recent adventure and relive them to the point i get damn near the same level of rush and stimulation. so as i said it is big, continuous, constant and as i’ve spanned the globe physically as well as with social media. that is something else i always wanted- a platform. an uncensored platform that i can access 24/7.
there also is a strong feeling of empowerment from the sense of accomplishments. a confidence and optimism that gives me an excited anticipation of the future. and almost anxious “i can’t wait to get at it as i will never be able to do it all.” the stuff i don’t know and the stuff i haven’t seen or experience probably drives me most. anything anywhere is how vast it is.